F'ing people, one email at a time
Posts tagged slappies
F’d of the Day: Toy Story 3 on Ice!
Jan 25th
Toy Story 3 isn’t the only show on Ice. Thanks to a faulty boiler system, Doug woke up yesterday morning with his berries on ice. He had to flick them on the side to crack a thin layer of ice off just to put on underpants. In a perfect world, he would have slowly loosened the ice and captured the mold, but, sigh, it’s not a perfect world, is it. Today’s F’d of the Day isn’t perfect either, but it’s better than anything you Lot have submitted. Their ad and emails are in black, Doug types it up in blue. May the F be with you ™
Toy Story 3 on ice tickets
Looking for 5 tickets in a row for Disney on Ice in Indy. Would like tickets for Saturday or Sunday evening or afternoon.
From Doug:
Hello,
You probably found your tickets by now, but if not, let me know. Not an agent or reseller, just have access to some tickets.
Thanks,
Doug
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From Lisa:
I’m still looking!
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From Doug:
Okay! Let me know if you find anything, or if you want to talk about my tickets.
Good luck!
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From Lisa:
I need 5 in a row
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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From Doug:
We have 2 sets of 5 available, if you have more people. But if you want 5 in a row, we have them in section 16, row 15 (only 15 rows back from the ice, so dress warm) and they’re seats E, F, G, H, and I. E is closer to the aisle, in case you’re going with little ones or an elderly that needs the restroom frequently.
Thanks,
Doug
Sent from my Wireless Android 2 on The Verizon Network Sponsored By Android Central
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From Lisa:
How much?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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From Doug:
These tickets are $75 each, but there could be some wiggle room since the show is very, very soon. (It’s tomorrow)
Sent from my Virus Riddled Toshiba Laptop
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From Lisa:
I got some in row 17 for $25
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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From Doug:
You got 5 in a row, in row 17, for $25? So, then why are we talking? Grrrrrrr.
From:
I got them for for $25 a piece. I wanted to go Saturday afternoon or evening. These are for Saturday morning
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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From Doug:
OH! Yeah, in the morning, the tickets are cheaper of course. I’ve heard rumors that some of the skaters during the morning show are the guys that work on the Zamboni.
So, let’s get down to brass tax. How much do you want to pay for these tickets? You know they’re worth more than $25. Face value is $30, but in the spirit of Disney, I have to maximize my profits.
Thanks,
Doug
p.s. I’ll also include a Buzz Lightyear foam finger for one of the ticket holders.
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From:
I will just stick with my morning tickets. Can’t do $75 each
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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From Doug:
Going to see Toy Story 3 on Ice in the morning would be like going to see them light the tree at Rockefeller Center at 2 in the afternoon. “Okay kids, you’re just going to have to imagine it darker.”
These tickets to this annual show only come around maybe once a year. I’m going to let them go to you for $43. That’s what I meant by “wiggle room”, let’s work on a price where everyone is comfortable. You get to the show with great seats, at a viewing time where you KNOW the skaters have passed a background check, and I get to make some money, with only the spirit of Disney in mind.
How’s that grab you?
Doug
Sent from A Device On Which I’ve Easily Disabled The Origin of The Message
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From Doug:
I’m going to give you 15 more minutes.
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From Lisa:
No thanks
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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From Doug:
$35 each, 3 Buzz Lightyear Foam Fingers, a $10 concession coupon, and 5 autographed programs.
How about now?
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From:
And what would I do with the tickets I have already? Its a great deal, but I better stick with what I got.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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From Doug:
It is NOT my fault you went out and bought those other tickets. YOU should have run that by ME first, but NO, you had to go and make a SNAP decision. It’s okay, you’ll still have a good time. Once your kids see the concession stand and schwag merchants, they’re going to go apeshit. I’d bring my Visa Card if I were you.
Are you single, or…?
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From:
Yes, I’m single and they aren’t my kids. So they can go crazy all they want
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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From Doug:
Thought so. Are you going to get those kids all riled up on sugar and visual stimulation? I have a half-retarded brother named Steven who thinks that Buzz Lightyear is a real person, and he’s 45. He also wears a shirt that says “Stone Cold Steve Austin For President”, which is absurd because they’ll never let another half-tard in office after W. Anyway, thanks for spending the day talking about tickets you had no intention of purchasing.
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From:
I had to get tickets when I found them. Wasn’t sure I would be able to get 5 in a row without paying a ton
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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From Doug:
Apology hesitantly accepted.
(No reply)
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F’d of the Day: Ping Pong Hero
Nov 4th
We are rolling in the aisles here at Fwithpeople.com HQ because some concrete numbers have come in. These figures cannot be disputed, so don’t bother trying. Here they are: 161, 109, 77, 53, 48 and 24. What do those number represent? Nope, wrong, they aren’t Sparky Andersons daily weigh-ins. They do represent, in chronological order of release, the overall view counts our Project F videos. That sigh you just let out sums up our morning. Let’s turn this shit around and F with someone in Montana. Their ad and emails are in black, Dougie Monroe types it up in blue. May the F be with you ™
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Ping Pong table, gently used – $250
I’m looking for a good quality, gently used ping pong table for our rec room. Will travel up to 150 miles for a good deal. $250 is the most I can pay including gas. Thanks for letting me know what you have; pictures would be great.
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From Doug:
Hello, my friend,
Your ad comes at good time, right at holidays almost. I have sold some things from home. Alot people try make cheap try for things. Try to buy my used car $300. Try to buy a microwave $8. Crazy people. You make good try for ping table. $250. This table new. Kids would rather play nintendo or text message friends. You want, you have. Please tell me if you can pick up next weekend. Thanks. Douglas.
Sent from my Droid Phone. Add Friends and Family for just $5. Please visit your local Verizon store for more details. Promotion not valid in all areas. Activation fee may be assessed. Taxes may vary from state to state. 2 year service plan may be required. There is a Verizon on your Horizon ™
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From Diane (monb******@aol.com)
Please let me know:
How old is it?
Where did you buy it, and what did it cost new?
Does it fold up vertically, and does it have wheels?
Can you send me a picture or two?
Can two people get it out of your home and load it into a trailer?
Thanks for your time and information. I am interested, and have another one I will check out also.
Diane
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From Doug:
Oh, okay, yeah, let me just settle in here for a bit to take this interview.
1. The table is 1 year(s) old, like new and gently used.
2. I bought it online from Robbins table tennis (robbinstabletennis.com.) It was $699.95 new. It’s international tournament quality, so I guess that means you can take it overseas with you if you want to compete.
3. It folds up vertically, and it has wheels which makes for easy storage. It also folds up horizontally if the table is upside down.
4. I’ll include a picture (attached as dougspingy.jpg), but you can also see it at robbinstabletennis.com.
5. Yes, it will require two people to get it out of the house and into a truck or trailer. If you are interested and show up alone, my wife Debbie will help you carry it out. She can get really amped when it comes to moving things, especially if she’s got her monthly demon.
Well, it’s a good deal, more than 50% off on a great table.
Let me know,
Doug “Topspin” Monroe
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From Doug (the next day):
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Hello, your email bounced. Everything okay?
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From Diane monb******@aol.com:
Yes, I don’t know why it would have been sent back.
That’s a really nice table! Where do you live?
I’m able to come out tonight to see it, but it may be too large for getting up the stairs into the rec room. Does it disassemble to make it easier?
Call me at 539-**** if you can. I’m going offline for awhile.
Diane
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From Doug:
Well, a lot of times when email is sent back, it usually means that the email address belongs to a spammer or someone that is trying to scam money via electronic transfer for goods that most likely don’t exist. I’ve sent a quick copy of our conversation along with your phone number to AOL, and they said they would keep a very close eye on your account activity, monitoring email behavior patterns, detecting potential spam-like material, etc.
But that table is really nice, isn’t it? I really don’t want to see it go, but we have no choice but to sell. The most important thing for me at this point is to make sure it’s going to a nice home. Sorry I missed your email last night, Debbie doesn’t like when I’m on the computer after 5pm, because she thinks it’s bad for my eyes, wrists, forearms, neckbone, posture, circulation, arthritis, and brain.
The table can be disassembled to make it easier for you to move up a flight of stairs. Can you send a picture of your hallway and staircase and I’ll let you know what I think?
Thanks,
Topspin
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From Diane (monb******@aol.com):
This project is on hold for the time being. I am waiting to hear back from a guy who has a table for $125, but he’s not sure where it is right now!
I live between Belgrade and Manhattan. Did you say you are in Bozeman?
Diane
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From Doug:
I’m sorry. I’m sorry, what? Can you repeat that? What does it mean when you say the project is on hold? You are waiting to hear back from a guy who has a table for $125, but he’s not sure where it is. Hmm…Sounds like a wonderful prospect. Let me ask you this. You’ve lost your glasses before, or, maybe a set of keys, but when’s the last time you lost a table? So now your project is on hold, which puts my project on hold, while we simultaneously wait for an idiot to locate a table. Where does he even get off contacting you about a table if he doesn’t know where it is? What did his email say (can you forward it to me?) I am really flummoxed. Let me get this straight. He emailed you and said something to the effect of “I have a ping pong table you might be interested in. I’m asking $125. Before I can sell it to you, I just have to find it.” I hope he never finds it and then you and I can continue on with our original project, the one where you have the money and the one where I have the table right here, and not the one where we both are waiting on a moron. I’m sorry if I seem a little bit tense, I’ve been having trouble going.
If you’d like, we can get that other guy on a conference call to see where things stand. I contacted you first, buy my table TODAY.
Thanks,
Topspin
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(no reply)
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F’d of the Day: Queen Bedroom Set
Sep 17th
Should we have two F’d of the Day’s today? I think we should. I don’t think there’s anyone that can stop that from happening. Here’s the first one for your review. Shelly is in the market for a Queen Bedroom Set, and Doug just so happens to have one for sale. Or does he…(cue mysterious piano music.) The ad and her emails in black, Doug’s emails in blue.
Queen Bedroom Set
Looking for headboard…foot board…..tall chest of drawers….nightstand.
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from Doug:
Hello,
I have a Queen Bedroom Set. (We’re moving) Do you have a ball park for what you are willing to spend?
Thanks,
Doug
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from Shelly:
Hello…First I would have to see it.Thanks
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From Doug:
Oh, absolutely, you certainly wouldn’t say “$6,000″ without seeing the product first. Not that you’re going to say $6,000 after you see this set, but of course you want to take a look at the merchandise before committing.
Shelly, would you be comfortable with me gaining access to my home pc from my work pc, capturing a couple of photos of the Queen Bedroom set, and then forwarding them to you for your review?
Thank you for the quick reply.
Doug
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(three days later)
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from Shelly:
If you sent the pictures I did not receive them.Could you please send again.Thanks
Shelly:)
Shelly:)
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from Doug:
Oh well I’ll be damned, you were waiting for me to reply? I was waiting for you to reply. You see down at my last email? Oh, heavens to Betsy. Look, look, let me just cut and paste what I sent to you. Jeepers. Here: “Shelly, would you be comfortable with me gaining access to my home pc from my work pc, capturing a couple of photos of the Queen Bedroom set, and then forwarding them for your review?” So, asking that question I thought you’d get it to your inbox, ponder it, then reply with a yes or no. OH this is funny. Well, I did not send the pictures (because I didn’t get your reply), but now that you are replying and, if I may, asked so politely, I will send pictures of the Queen Bedroom Set now. Won’t you enjoy them?
Thanks,
Doug
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from Shelly:
Forget it ….Thanks!
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from Doug:
Well, I never. I never thought someone would turn their nose up at such oppulence. The fabric on the drapes and the bed are 2,000 count linens. The railing, chest, bureau, love seat and hope chest are all made with 24 karat gold. Queen Elizabeth slept here one evening and when I awokened her with the soothing sounds of my great uncles bugle, do you know what her first words were? She said “I feel like I slept in Gold Heaven.” She also said she would never, ever go poor. To her, going poor meant her life was nothing, that she was a speck of dirt not worth breathing the same air as other humans. It was comforting to know that she would rather take her own life before having to balance a check book. We laughed about this and toasted a beautiful morning with champagne. What day it was we will never know because when you are well-to-do, or Royalty, you shant worry about such things. This bedroom was made for a Queen, and therefore, we shall only sell to a Queen. I wonder, my dear, if you are in the market for a staffers bedroom set, or perhaps a used automobile?
Good day,
Douglas Monroe
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from Shelly:
Obviously, you must have eaten the blue pill and followed the rabbit down the hole. Good day Doug!!
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from Doug:
I won’t be talked to like that.
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(no reply)
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F’d of the Day: Mower
Sep 1st
This guy is looking for a riding lawn mower with a zero turn ratio (that’s the ultimate in lawn mowing) for $100. That would be a great price, considering new ones go for somewhere in the thousands.
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Wanted Riding Lawn Mower – $100
Wanted a riding mower. I need a riding mower that may or may not need repairs. Will pay more for a zero turn. Please email me with what you have for sale.
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from greg*********@yahoo.com
Hey, I saw your add, you’re looking for a riding lawn mower right?
Whoooooeeeee do I have the mower for you. And a hundred bucks is the right price.
Are you still looking or did you find one already?
Doug
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From: David
To: Greg
Subject: Re: lawnmower
To: Greg
Subject: Re: lawnmower
Doug,
I still need one 
please let me know when and where to come pick it up. Do you have any pics? Have a great night.
please let me know when and where to come pick it up. Do you have any pics? Have a great night.ff
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from greg*********@yahoo.com
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Hey DJ,
Thanks. Thanks for writing back. A lot of people, family included, sometimes ignore my emails. I have the mower of your dreams for a hundred bucks. I’m at my work computer now, so I don’t have the pics here. I’m just curious, this mower is a lot of mower, it will mow your lawn to whatever size you want the grass to be. I used to shave it down to about a quarter inch, it made my lawn look like the top of Johnny Unitas‘ head. Or you can go for a nice easy drive, sip a beer, and just give her a trim and keep it around 2-3 inches long. I used to tell my wife that I was going out to give it the ol’ Liza Minelli bush. She never did like that joke much, course, I never cared much for her saggies. So, just to recap, the mower is $100, and you can ride it, cut your grass, and drink a few beers. I’ll even throw in a 2 gallon gas tank (empty) and one of those hard hats that has the two holders for beers and the straw that goes to your mouth. Without beer, it takes me 2 hours to cut my grass. With beer, it still takes 2 hours, but it feels like 8 minutes. The only reason I’m selling is because I got a new John Deere.
Have a great day David. When I get pics I will send, okay?
Gregf
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From: David
To: Greg
To: Greg
Sent: Tue, August 31, 2010 4:14:04 AM
Subject: Re: lawnmower
Greg,
Thank you for writing back. Where are you located? Man that mower sounds exactly what I need. What kind is it? Really does not matter for 100 bucks but just curious. I’m ready to pick it up.
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from greg
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Hey DJ, you was up at 4:14am? Whooooooeee you must be an early riser. I’m a lot like you. I get up at 5am, grab a cold brew, take my beagle Buckshot for a walk, we come back and have a little steak and egg breakfast. I’ll tell you what, you ready for the perfect bite? You take a steak and sizzle it in the pan, then you add two eggs on either side of it in the pan. The eggs cook at the same time as the steak, however you want ‘em, over easy, sunny side up, over medium, you know, then when everything is ready, you put the steak on a plate and put the eggs right on top. I call it “steak and eggs” and it’s damn tasty. You won’t ever hear Buckshot give no complaints about this breakfast. I swear to the holy man in the white cape that one time Buckshot said “steak” under his breath. Anyway, let’s talk about grass cuttin’. I hope you have a big lawn because here’s that big boy I was telling you about.
Greg
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From: David
To: Greg
To: Greg
Subject: Re: lawnmower
Greg,
That really is a big boy. That is one heck of a mower. When can I come by and get the mower ? I am ready to get mowing. I am available anytime please let me know I need to get mowing before the wife kills me.
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…to be continued? If you want me to continue, please email: continuethisF@fwithpeople.com
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