F'ing people, one email at a time
Posts tagged scary
F’d of the Day: Project F (Part 3 of 10)
Oct 29th
Here is part 3 of the 10 part mini-series “Project F”, which has been widely considered by most to be completely irrelevant. Captain Fwith and I are setting sail Friday night, casting off to sea* and we’re not coming back without a new mini-series in development. In the meantime, you can see this blog evolving from simply F’ng with people on email, to F’ng with people audioically. (Not a word.) So grab a pint o’ the dark stuff, and sit back and have a listen. Oh, and if you happen to know Kelly MacDonald, the Irish bird from “Boardwalk Empire”, tell her we said ‘hi!’ and that she automatically wins the t-shirt contest if she emails. (Winner drawn at random, unless she emails, sorry.) contest@fwithpeople.com
* – we’re just going to Hooters
AUDITION #3 (scroll down for previous auditions and set-up)
I like how this guy jumps right into the audition. No bullshit. No coughing. He butchers Frankenstein’s name, but cut a brother some slack for having voicemail fright. VOTE.
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F’d of the Day: Halloweenbarrow
Sep 16th
Down here in Texas, we love three things: Beer, Barbecue and Boobers. I guess that last one makes it four things, don’t it. Well, we also like our Halloween, so when someone come lookin’ for help to get their party goin’ in the right direction, you know ol’ Doug is gonna be there to lend a helpin’ hand. (The ad and their writin’ is in black, my writin’ is in blue)
Looking for a old Wheelbarrel (Dallas)
I’m looking for a old wheelbarrel for a Halloween set. Wil pay cash.
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from Doug:
Hey, I have 3 wheelbarrows I’m looking to get rid of, I used to use them for my landscaping company. You probably found yours by now but if not, let me know.
Thanks,
Doug
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from f***model@****.com
Hey Doug . Are they old looking?
Sent from my iPhone
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from Doug:
Oh yeah, absolutely. Two of them are like rusty steel, but if you’re having like a halloween themed something or other, one of them is wooden, maybe made from Walnutto, and looks like it’s from the old West. Has a metal wheel that goes around and around. It looks like something you might see from an old Eastwood movie. Authentic, and in fact, looking back, my workers never liked filling that one with mulch and pushing it around. ha.
Thanks,
Doug
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from f***model@****.com
Lol yes it would be for a graveyard scene. How much are u looking for
Sent from my iPhone
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from Doug:
A graveyard scene? What are you doing, shooting a film or something? I’m probably going to ask for $20. But if you’re shooting a movie maybe you could put me in it? My wife Edna says I have one of those old farmer type faces that you always see in the movies. Probably because I’m an old farmer.
aw hell. $15? You young kids need a break.
Doug
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(emails criss cross in real time)
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from f***model@****.com
Not sure u got my last email . Yes I’m interested. Let me know how much ur looking for and what area r u in ? Thanks
Sent from my iPhone
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from Doug:
Oh hey there young fella, sure I got your last email. But I responded to your last email before I opened up this one. I gotta be honest, it takes me longer to type up an email than it does for me to just write you a letter, but you know the god damned post office today, HA, it’s like the ol’ pony express. Christ, I mailed my electric bill last week and by the time it got to them, another bill arrive in my mailbox. I tip my postman every holiday season, $2.50, you would think that would put a little giddy up in his hop along and he’d go right to the electric company with my check. Like you I’m in Dallas young fella. How about this past summer, hot enough for ya?
my other email has the pricing info on that wheelbarrow. y’all having a party or filming a movie?
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from f***model@****.com
I’m a Halloween fanatic . It’s for my yard the trick or treaters. Lol what area are u in?
Sent from my iPhone
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from Doug:
I like Halloween, too. I walk around the porch with my rifle and I scare the shit out of some people. HA. It ain’t loaded or nothin’, but I seen a few kids and even parents wet ‘emselfs. I always say something like “You trespassin? You trespassin on my property? You think you’re gonna come up here on my porch with your god damned cape on for some sweets? How you gonna eat them sweets if you ain’t got no head?” then I have Edna pop a paper bag. We all laugh and have some cider and donuts. The way I see it, tricks and treats go by to fast. Kids today? They just want their treats and move onto the next place. Not at Doug and Edna’s place. They’re gonna earn them sweets with a little thing I like to call “someone just got the shit scared out of them.” HA. Last year some kids came to the door listening to their god damned ipods, I said “hey, you got something to say?” and the one sonbitch said “oh, yeah, trick or treat” and I just said “get off my porch or I’m going to bury you alive.” No treats, no laughs. You can’t be there all night just accomodating everyone. Anyhow, I’m in Mesquite, where are you?
Doug
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from f***model@****.com
I’m in Plano
Sent from my iPhone
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from Doug:
Well god damn it, you ain’t about to drive 15 miles to come pick up a wheelbarrow. Well that really bundles my berries. What are you gonna do now? You want me to ship the wheel barrow to you, my treat? What are we gonna do? If you want, me and Edna can maybe drive it up on Halloween. We’ll bring the cider, donuts and rifle. What time is good for y’all?
Doug
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from f***model@****.com
Could u meet me halfway tomorrow?
Sent from my iPhone
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from Doug:
Oh. I guess so young fella. I thought maybe Edna and I were close to having plans. Nobody had ever invited us over for a Halloween party before, so, you should have seen Edna just now, shuffling her feet in the kitchen, doing a little dance, singing “Happy Halloween! Happy Halloween!” over and over again. Well, okay. okay. We can just find some other people to spend the afternoon with. Sure. Yeah, heck, young people don’t want old people coming around, we get that. Well, you want me to send up a couple of pictures first, just so we don’t meet up and then you don’t like the barrow? Just let me know. I have to go talk to Edna now.
Doug
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from f***model@****.com
Lol. Actually can u send a few pics please
Sent from my iPhone
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from Doug:
Well, I’ll tell you what, you know who stopped dancing around is Edna. Just sitting there like Kathy Bates in that Misery movie. I got a few pictures for ya, you can decide which one you want. The first one is probably my favorite because we did the most work together. It’s attached as dougbarrow and some assembly is required. The second one is a barrow we had down in our mine, it’s probably a collectors item, it’s attached as dougsmine. The third one is one you gonna need to put a little elbow grease on her, but the tire is in pretty good shape. That one is called dougrepairbarrow. $15 for any one of them three, or $30 takes em all.
Doug
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(dougbarrow.jpg)
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(dougmine.jpg)
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(dougrepairbarrow.jpg)
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(no hear back from)
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