F'ing people, one email at a time
Posts tagged hot deals
F’d of the Day: England Nigerians
Dec 14th
Fwithpeople.com is pleased to announce we have partnered with global money launderers and have extended our presence in the funds transfer marketplace to England. Said CEO and Founder Doug Monroe “It’s true, we are open for business. We’re finding that there is a global market for overseas funds tranfers, and we’re in a very strong position to streamline that process.” While Monroe would not disclose information about his partners, he did say he would receive funds from “anyone.”
This partner from England types in black, and Doug types it up in blue. Feel free to email this partner yourself to see if you can get involved with your own transfer. May the F be with you ™
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From: Mr Charles lepp1@live.co.uk
Sent: Mon, December 13, 2010 8:49:27 PM
Subject: FROM CHARLES
IT IS A PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE TO YOU A BUSINESS THAT WILL MAKE THE BEGINNING OF NEVER-ENDING FAMILY RELATIONSHIP AND I HOPE THIS PROPOSAL WILL NOT BE AN INCONVENIENCE OR EMBARASSEMENT TO YOU.
I AM CHARLES THE ONLY SON OF LATE MR PHILIP WHO WAS A FAMOUS COCOA MERCHANT. MY LATE FATHER OPERATED HIS COCOA BUSINESS IN ABIDJAN-COTE D’IVOIRE UNDER PARTNERSHIP BUT UNFORTUNATELLY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES POISONED HIM IN ORDER TO CLAIM HIS WEALTH IN A COCKTAIL PARTY HELD IN HIS HONOUR AS THE DIRECTOR OF THE COMPANY.WHEN HE WAS POISONED,HE WAS RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL.
IT WAS IN THE HOSPITAL THAT HE SECRETLY DISCLOSED TO ME THE CAUSE OF THE SICKNESS AND ALSO THAT HE DEPOSITED THE SUM OF $4.8M(FOUR MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS ONLY) IN A SUSPENCE ACCOUNT TO A BANK HERE IN ABIDJAN-COTE D’IVOIRE AND THAT I WAS MADE THE NEXT OF KIN TO INHERIT THE MONEY IN HIS RECORD/FILE.
HE THEREFORE ADVISED ME TO LOOK FOR A RELIABLE,TRUST WORTHY AND GOD-FEARING PERSON WHO WILL ASSIST ME TO TRANSFER THIS FUNDS ABROAD STRICTLY FOR INVESTEMENT PURPOSES.THIS IS BECAUSE HE DIDN’NT WANT HIS ASSOCIATES TO RAISE AN EYEBROW ON HIS FUND.HE ALSO ADVISED ME TO AVOID HIS ASSOCIATES WHO WILL BE RUNNING AFTER MY DEAR LIFE,HE FINALLY DIED IN THE HOSPITAL AFTER TWO DAYS OF ADMISSION.
I AM SOLICITING FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO TRANSFER THE $4.8M INTO YOUR ACCOUNT FOR AN INVESTMENT PURPOSES OVER THERE IN YOUR COUNTRY.I HOPE TO TRAVEL WITH YOU TO YOUR COUNTRY AFTER A SUCCESSFUL TRANSFER OF THIS FUNDS.THE CONTACT OF THE BANK WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU AS SOON AS YOU SHOW YOUR INTEREST AND WILLINGNESS TO ME.YOU CAN NOW INSTRUCT THEM ON WHERE AND HOW THE MONEY WILL BE TRANSFERRED.
I AM OFFERING YOU 10% OF THE TOTAL SUM OF $4.800.000 AS COMMISSION FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO THE TRANSFER OF THIS FUND INTO YOUR COUNTRY.MAY I STRONGLY RE-EMPHASIZE THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL,HITCHFREE AND THIS WILL BE SUCCESSFULLY CONCLUDED WITHIN 10 DAYS ACCORDING TO YOUR EFFORTS.
THANKS FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED CO-OPERATION.PLEASE CALL ME AT +22505212947 FOR MORE DETAILS.
YOURS SINCERELY,
CHARLES.
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From Doug:
Charles,
How could your father be so stupid to allow himself to be poisoned? After he whispered in your ear about the money, were his last words “I can’t believe how much of a fucking idiot I am?” or “You left your caps lock on…” Anyway, sorry to hear that he died, but one less dumb person means another idiot out of the way and more food and water for the rest of us. Why would that be an inconvenience to me? I’m not digging the hole for him. If anything, he’s an embarrassment to your family.
I am very pleased that you contacted me. Like you, I also do not care about the investigation or capture of the people responsible for poisoning your dope of a father. He’s dead and there’s nothing we can do now but split up the pie. We should each give 1% of our earnings to the people that poisoned him, and maybe have a cocktail reception (I’ll be drinking bottled water, and suggest you do the same.)
Also, it looks like the apple doesn’t fall far from the Dummy Tree. Did you put your direct phone number in your email? You never put your phone number in email correspondence when you’re talking about overseas funds trafficking. What you need to do is create a Skype account and do a search for me, my Skyper name is DJDaddyLongCockins.
And, nice try on the 10%, but this isn’t my first time at the Overseas Funds Transfer Rodeo. My number is 20%, and everybody knows that.
That’s right.
Doug
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(no reply)
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F’d of the Day: Heater for Sale!
Oct 6th
Okay, we’re back with an F’d of the Day. Things were looking pretty bleak there for a couple of days, ever since we announced our full court press with “Project F.” Fwithpeople.com Nation is ABUZZ about Project F, people are writing in from all over asking for hints and spoilers, but we’re steel traps. As information becomes available, we will notify you. Now, let’s get back to a nice F’d of the Day. The ad and their emails are in black, and Doug types it up in blue. May the F be with you ™.
catalytic heater….. looks like this (Boise)
lemme know how much yawant please
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From Doug:
Hey,
I have one of these for sale. I could part with it for $200. Not using it. Just sitting there in the garage.
Thanks. You probably found yours by now, but if not, let me know.
Doug
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from Tammy:
sorry i cant afford near that much but thank you
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From Doug:
woah woah woah, there. Woah.
This thing is just sitting here. Why don’t you tell me the price range that would make you comfortable?
Thanks,
Doug
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From Tammy:
lol right now i only have $28 at the moment,lol, but i’ll get back with you at the end of the day
should have a bit more by then, but not sure, seems a bit slow again today. I also have a credit card that needs to be paid this week, so it’s kind of a wait n see, just wanted to put it out there and see what kind of bite I got, I’m really gonna need one of these too, for I’m having to live in an RV right now. We could trade for haircuts, I’m an excellent barber specializing in short mens cuts, how about 15 haircuts???
should have a bit more by then, but not sure, seems a bit slow again today. I also have a credit card that needs to be paid this week, so it’s kind of a wait n see, just wanted to put it out there and see what kind of bite I got, I’m really gonna need one of these too, for I’m having to live in an RV right now. We could trade for haircuts, I’m an excellent barber specializing in short mens cuts, how about 15 haircuts???
Thank you,
Tammy
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From Doug:
You really have a lot going on there. You know what I mean? First, you got the $28. I don’t know about that for the heater, plus, I give you the heater for $28 then you just sitting there with the heater and no money for eats. Then, you got that credit card. Those things were invented by a vampire, I swear to Jesus F Christ. You pay. You pay. You pay. That number ain’t going down. Then some people in, shit, I don’t know, Maryland? They’re just processin those payments one after the other. That number is never going away. It’s enough to keep you up at night and think about getting a new social security number from the internet. Now let’s have another lookie at your email. Hey, you’re living in an RV. Nothing wrong with that. It’s got the word ‘Recreational’ right there in the title. That sounds a lot better than some places I’ve lived, like ‘apartment’ and ‘halfway house.’ I’m glad to hear you’re an excellent barber and you specialize in short mens cuts, but I’m 6’1″. Do you have like a footstool to get up on or maybe a lower seat?
I have to be honest with you. 15 haircuts has a nice ring to it, little lady. That’s about 2 or 3 years worth of hair cuts for me. And that makes more sense than taking the 28 bucks. But I’m not short, like I said.
Thanks,
Doug
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From Tammy:
well i already know i cut two guys hair that are 6’4″ and never recall avin a problem cutting their hair
but that cool if ya dont wanna make that deal lemme see what i can come up with…. days notlookin too damn good and its about over only up to $40 now lol guess that came from havin such a kick ass week last week, but ya know that money already went towards rent and the other credit cards lol
but that cool if ya dont wanna make that deal lemme see what i can come up with…. days notlookin too damn good and its about over only up to $40 now lol guess that came from havin such a kick ass week last week, but ya know that money already went towards rent and the other credit cards lol
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From Doug:
Two guys that are both 6’4″, well god damn, is them fellas twins? If you ever cut their hair at the same time, you be sure to charge them for two hair cuts. You know them twins is always looking for a discount on something. Like they buy two sets of the same clothes, they gonna ask the clerk for a discount on a bulk purchase. Or playing those god damn games with their names. “No, I’m Troy and he’s Roy. You thought I was Roy? No, Roy has that freckle remember?” Anyway, who can remember that shit. Those two freaks look alike and I can’t tell ‘em apart. I never trust twins. They’ve got a strong bond, like a two person mafia. Always whispering back and forth, or just using their minds to communicate about evil. No one can explain to me how twins are even made. It’s like two of them tadpole pucks slipped past the goalie, but I’ll tell you what, that ain’t natural and I think only one should be allowed to live. Just choose one, you know?
Why don’t we say this, $10 for the heater and 5 haircuts? I don’t want to take advantage of you little lady. What’s your hair place called?
Thanks,
Doug
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(To Be Continued…Continued)
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From tammy:
you crackmy ass up!… lol … ok so call me or leaveme your number, busy at the moment
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From Doug:
You got one of them there web sites? Cutnup. That’s a pretty god damn catchy name. You know what you’re going to get into when you go to a place call ‘cutnup.’ I’ll be honest, I had to read that one twice. But you know what you’re getting into. We got some places nearby called “Shears To Ya” and “Snip-apotamus” and “Hair Today Gone Tomorrow” and you know what they are, they’re haircuttin’ places. But they ain’t gonna give me 10 haircuts over the next 2 years like Cutnups. I like to take my time when my barber cuts my hair. We talk about life, family, food, drink, sports, politics, animal planet, maybe get a temple massage. I used to bring dinner or lunch in, that way if it’s a slow day, there’s no reason why I’m not going to sit around for 2 or 3 hours, just shootin the breeze. I’m retired, where the hell else have I got to be? So Cutnup might be my new lunch place of choice. I could schedule the haircuts in advance if you want, but you’ll be seeing so much of me that you might get sick of me. No, I’m just pullin’ your leg, you won’t get sick of me. People say I talk too much but it’s better than being quiet all the time right? I can’t stand dead silence. If we’re talking, that’s great, and if there’s just a break in the action or whatnot, I’ll just start whistling, or maybe hum a little tune, or maybe sing a nice song. There’s nothing wrong with music and it would help fill up the dead silence in between our sentences. This is gonna be a hoot. I almost forgot we were talking about a heater!
Alright, well, you’re busy at work little lady, but it was nice of you to reply.
Thanks,
Doug
Doug
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From Tammy:
lol, well its not my shop actually, impretty sure after today that I’m moving down the street, people are too loud in this shop and i think its stupid freakin name actually lol
you didnt give me your number damnit!
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From Doug:
Well I’ll slap a monkeys bottom. What do you mean you’re moving down the street? You’re quittin Cutnup? Are you changing professions or are you going to another cutting place? What’s the new one called? You might be there one day, cutting a patrons hair and then you look over in the next chair and there’s Ol’ Dougie, dependable as ever, and funny as a son of a bitch. Whoooooooweeee can I tell you some jokes. I like to spin around in the chair like I’m on the Tilt-o-Whirl at the fair. One time, I spun so much at Snip-opotamus that I lost my tuna sandwich all over myself and the countertop. Looked like a wallpaper paste bomb went off. You should think about opening up your own place and be your own boss, maybe call it “The Taminator.” Well, I normally don’t give out my number to a young lady, so today probably isn’t going to be any different. You seem to have got off the track there, we were talking about a heater, not getting together for dinner or a walk and chat. But I am flattered, that was nice of you to make a little pass at me.
Thanks,
Doug
Doug
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From Tammy:
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so let me guess you dont even have a heater lmfao
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From Doug:
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Sure I do.
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(no reply)
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F’d of the Day: Max iPad
Sep 2nd
Manny posted an ad looking for a cheap iPad. His post is just below, and his emails are in black and my emails, from Doug, are in blue. I appreciate all the feedback I’m getting on these, so let me know if the fonts and format are easy for you to read, if you think different colors would work better, etc, at: helppeople@fwithpeople.com
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I need an ipad at a good price
Im looking for an ipad cheap.. please let me know!!!
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from Doug******@yahoo.com
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Hey, good afternoon.
I have a couple of iPads that are ‘brand’ new and still in the box. I was wondering what your price range is.
Thanks,
Doug
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from: ***manny@yahoo.com
my budget is 450 for a 32gb
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from Doug******@yahoo.com:
Yeah, well, I don’t mean to hem and haw over price, but I was thinking more along the lines of 400, even.
let me know.
Doug
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from ***manny@yahoo.com
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400 for a 32gb and u said there new
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from Doug******@yahoo.com:
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Well, they’re new and they’re factory sealed. These haven’t been opened and then shrink-wrapped again by some novice. No tampering at all, never used, brand new. Now, you’re probably asking yourself “how did this dude get new iPads, factory sealed, never opened, never used, and he only wants $400 for them?” and then you’d answer your own question by asking another question “are these iPads….stolen?” in which case I would advise you not to ask me that question. Sometimes questions get in the way of a simple transaction. You have money? I have a product. Now I have the money? Now you have the product. It’s nice, it’s easy, and, the best part is it’s untraceable. You’re not going to do something silly, like register the product online right? Because you don’t need to in order to get wifi/online access. Registering the product is like telling the company and big brother “Hey, yeah, I want you guys to be able to track me all over the fucking place.” I’m going to register my god damn digital camera? No. I got a warranty. Your iPad is going to come with a warranty, too. You can’t return it to a store (because there is no store) but you can send it back to Apple if there was an issue. They would send you a refurbished one, and what are they gonna do, ask you questions about where you bought it? They got like 50,000 of those things arriving every day with one issue or another. They take one in, throw it on the pile, then ship you another one out. Good luck to them even trying to find you and me.
$400. Final. Sealed, new, never used. I got 30 of them. (I know you probably only need 1, but you can maybe tell your friends and make some purchases for them)
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Booyah,
Doug
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from ***manny@yahoo.com
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how many gb are they
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from doug*****@yahoo.com
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They’re all the same, 32GB and WiFi (3G package not included, you’ll have to do that shit on your own)
If and when you’re ready, you’ll either send me the cash and I can ship it to you, or you can meet a friend of mine at a public location and place your order with him.
D
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from ***manny@yahoo.com
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how can i know its not some set up n shit.
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from Doug*****@yahoo.com
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Hey my man, good question. I don’t blame you for asking. People are getting r*ped, stabbed, dragged by cars, maced, tased, slapped, peeped on, groped, etc. You don’t think the cops have enough to do other than you getting a good deal on your new portable porn machine? Come on man. If it makes you feel better, when you meet my friend, you just say the best thing of all time (and this works for prostitutes, too): “Are you a cop?”
They have to say yes to that question. If they say “yes”, you can just say “oh, what a nice job you’ve been doing in our city” and walk away. But I can assure you, my friend will say “no” to that question because he’s not a cop and he also wants the money. We do a 50/50 split. Sometimes he’s out there making the sale, and sometimes I’m out there making the sale. We’re not selling drugs, people, or $2 million paintings. They don’t give a fuck. Plus, there’s probably some law about receiving “acquired” property (I never use the word ‘stolen’) under/over a certain dollar amount. Hey, if I were selling you an “acquired” Lexus, we’d both be concerned about this deal. Like, right now, for all I know, you’re a cop, but if the cops are busting people over a nice new iPad, then what the fuck is this world coming to?
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Cops. They make me laugh.
Doug
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from ***manny@yahoo.com
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koo if i were to buy maybe two or three of them u wont work out a deal with me? ,, i got some birthdays coming up
koo if i were to buy maybe two or three of them u wont work out a deal with me? ,, i got some birthdays coming up
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from Doug*****@yahoo.com
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I don’t know what it is, maybe people think I’m new to the Acquired Goods Industry. I don’t sit around haggling on price. The price is already haggled for us. $600 new at the Apple Store, or, $400 new at the Doug Store. Same product, better price. I even smile and say “Thank you, come again.” So let’s say you have 4 birthdays coming up and you want to buy 4 iPads:
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The first iPad is: $400
And, since I’m a nice guy, and I can appreciate a birthday celebration as much as the next guy, the second iPad is: $400
Then we can repeat that math for the rest of the birthday presents you’re buying. If you want all 30 iPads (which would be great news for me), it would be $12,000. Then, I don’t care if you turn around and sell them for $450 a piece or whatever. But let’s face it, I’m going to sell these things one by one for $400 if I have to. My inbox is getting blizzown up with offers.
Knock knock.
Who There?
Dougie
Dougie who?
Dougie iPad, who got $400?
Thanks,
Doug
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from ***manny@yahoo.com
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haha where can i meet u
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From Doug*****@yahoo.com
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A lot of people want to meet at hotels, and Starbucks, or the parking lot at Home Depot. They’re not thinking with their heads. That’s where people go when they have something to hide, or they’re wearing wires because they’re rats and snitches. Me and Donnie found the best place to conduct this business of our is in front of some place so public and such a high traffic area, no one would ever suspect it. You just come up, hand me or Donnie an envelope, we do a quick count, and then I hand you the box like we’re old friends. See attached.
Dougie iPad
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from ***manny@yahoo.com
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u wonna meet at a police station?
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(Editors note: Absolutely 100% to be continued….May the F be with you.)
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