F'ing people, one email at a time
Posts tagged deals
F’d of the Day: England Nigerians
Dec 14th
Fwithpeople.com is pleased to announce we have partnered with global money launderers and have extended our presence in the funds transfer marketplace to England. Said CEO and Founder Doug Monroe “It’s true, we are open for business. We’re finding that there is a global market for overseas funds tranfers, and we’re in a very strong position to streamline that process.” While Monroe would not disclose information about his partners, he did say he would receive funds from “anyone.”
This partner from England types in black, and Doug types it up in blue. Feel free to email this partner yourself to see if you can get involved with your own transfer. May the F be with you ™
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From: Mr Charles lepp1@live.co.uk
Sent: Mon, December 13, 2010 8:49:27 PM
Subject: FROM CHARLES
IT IS A PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE TO YOU A BUSINESS THAT WILL MAKE THE BEGINNING OF NEVER-ENDING FAMILY RELATIONSHIP AND I HOPE THIS PROPOSAL WILL NOT BE AN INCONVENIENCE OR EMBARASSEMENT TO YOU.
I AM CHARLES THE ONLY SON OF LATE MR PHILIP WHO WAS A FAMOUS COCOA MERCHANT. MY LATE FATHER OPERATED HIS COCOA BUSINESS IN ABIDJAN-COTE D’IVOIRE UNDER PARTNERSHIP BUT UNFORTUNATELLY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES POISONED HIM IN ORDER TO CLAIM HIS WEALTH IN A COCKTAIL PARTY HELD IN HIS HONOUR AS THE DIRECTOR OF THE COMPANY.WHEN HE WAS POISONED,HE WAS RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL.
IT WAS IN THE HOSPITAL THAT HE SECRETLY DISCLOSED TO ME THE CAUSE OF THE SICKNESS AND ALSO THAT HE DEPOSITED THE SUM OF $4.8M(FOUR MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS ONLY) IN A SUSPENCE ACCOUNT TO A BANK HERE IN ABIDJAN-COTE D’IVOIRE AND THAT I WAS MADE THE NEXT OF KIN TO INHERIT THE MONEY IN HIS RECORD/FILE.
HE THEREFORE ADVISED ME TO LOOK FOR A RELIABLE,TRUST WORTHY AND GOD-FEARING PERSON WHO WILL ASSIST ME TO TRANSFER THIS FUNDS ABROAD STRICTLY FOR INVESTEMENT PURPOSES.THIS IS BECAUSE HE DIDN’NT WANT HIS ASSOCIATES TO RAISE AN EYEBROW ON HIS FUND.HE ALSO ADVISED ME TO AVOID HIS ASSOCIATES WHO WILL BE RUNNING AFTER MY DEAR LIFE,HE FINALLY DIED IN THE HOSPITAL AFTER TWO DAYS OF ADMISSION.
I AM SOLICITING FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO TRANSFER THE $4.8M INTO YOUR ACCOUNT FOR AN INVESTMENT PURPOSES OVER THERE IN YOUR COUNTRY.I HOPE TO TRAVEL WITH YOU TO YOUR COUNTRY AFTER A SUCCESSFUL TRANSFER OF THIS FUNDS.THE CONTACT OF THE BANK WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU AS SOON AS YOU SHOW YOUR INTEREST AND WILLINGNESS TO ME.YOU CAN NOW INSTRUCT THEM ON WHERE AND HOW THE MONEY WILL BE TRANSFERRED.
I AM OFFERING YOU 10% OF THE TOTAL SUM OF $4.800.000 AS COMMISSION FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO THE TRANSFER OF THIS FUND INTO YOUR COUNTRY.MAY I STRONGLY RE-EMPHASIZE THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL,HITCHFREE AND THIS WILL BE SUCCESSFULLY CONCLUDED WITHIN 10 DAYS ACCORDING TO YOUR EFFORTS.
THANKS FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED CO-OPERATION.PLEASE CALL ME AT +22505212947 FOR MORE DETAILS.
YOURS SINCERELY,
CHARLES.
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From Doug:
Charles,
How could your father be so stupid to allow himself to be poisoned? After he whispered in your ear about the money, were his last words “I can’t believe how much of a fucking idiot I am?” or “You left your caps lock on…” Anyway, sorry to hear that he died, but one less dumb person means another idiot out of the way and more food and water for the rest of us. Why would that be an inconvenience to me? I’m not digging the hole for him. If anything, he’s an embarrassment to your family.
I am very pleased that you contacted me. Like you, I also do not care about the investigation or capture of the people responsible for poisoning your dope of a father. He’s dead and there’s nothing we can do now but split up the pie. We should each give 1% of our earnings to the people that poisoned him, and maybe have a cocktail reception (I’ll be drinking bottled water, and suggest you do the same.)
Also, it looks like the apple doesn’t fall far from the Dummy Tree. Did you put your direct phone number in your email? You never put your phone number in email correspondence when you’re talking about overseas funds trafficking. What you need to do is create a Skype account and do a search for me, my Skyper name is DJDaddyLongCockins.
And, nice try on the 10%, but this isn’t my first time at the Overseas Funds Transfer Rodeo. My number is 20%, and everybody knows that.
That’s right.
Doug
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(no reply)
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F’d of the Day: Doug Monroe Killed?
Dec 9th
If you’re reading this now, it may already be too late. I received transmissions from the Nigerians late last evening, and they are ready to proceed with our transaction, whether I want to or not. They have my IP address and know where I live. I gave them my phone number, and the routing numbers to my bank accounts. It all began with a promise, a promise that only comes once in a lifetime, with a total value of $30 million for assisting them with a funds transfer to the U.S. They are now sending a Delegate to meet me, and I fear that I may not be able to deliver the money they require ($5,500.) I never dreamed that Fwithpeople.com would lead me to international espionage, even though this blog is viewed globally (thanks to our partnerships with PayPal and Amazon.) If this is my last post, I want you to know that it has been a pleasure serving you. If I disappear, please have the authorities investigate Nigeria.
The original encounter can be viewed here if you’d like: http://fwithpeople.com/2010/08/fd-of-the-day-3/
( Or, you can read our latest correspondence below. Their emails and demands are in black, Doug’s emails are in blue)
From Tony (using Helen Bongani’s email address!):
Hello,
I want to inform you that I have made a special contact whereby the company will come and deliver the fund to you in USA. When the DELEGATE/DELIVERER arrives in USA you will need to pay him some money there in USA face to face, which he will use to clear the luggage containing the fund from the USA customs.
But in case if you do not have any money to pay for the clearance, I have a financier/investor willing to give you a loan to handle this matter. Please confirm if you are ready and the option you have chosen and then I will give you further details.
Tony
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From Doug:
Tony!
It is nice to hear from you again, I was just wondering about Helen. Where is she? I was concerned with her whereabouts and I hope she is well. When we last spoke she was going to send me a picture of herself. Can you send?
I am ready to move forward and do not need help from your financier. However, I would need more information as to how much money I need to present to the DELEGATE. Please advise.
Thank you,
Doug
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From Tony:
Doug.
Nice to hear from you also, I hope you are good. Helen is here in South Africa, but she is down with illness.
Attached is Helen’s pix for your perusal only and due to her sickness she is unable to take other picture for now.
Good to hear that you are ready to move forward in this project and now that you have confirmed your readiness I will inform the company to finalize the delivery first thing next week. Therefore the DELEGATE will be in USA by next week, though I will keep you posted with the delegate’s itinerary and other information regards the delivery. The money you need to present to the delegate is $5500, please advise if you will have it at hand by Monday 13th December.
Please reconfirm to me your phone number.
Thank you.
Tony
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From Doug:
Helen,
Good Morning. Even though you are gravely ill, Tony sent me your picture. You remind me of one of the hottest television stars in history. You probably get this all the time, but you look like Florida from “Good Times.” She would often cover up with an apron, or her Sunday best, but she simply could not hide those mambie jambies from me. Of course, as a 15 year old boy watching that show, the urges within were alive and well, and without going into details I will tell you that Florida caused me to ruin several sets of our household drapes.
I do have the $5,500 prepared to be delivered to the DELEGATE. Please send me the itinerary immediately. I will pick the DELEGATE up at the airport if they wish. Once I provide the funds, please inform me what the next step is. Will I be getting the 40% of the $70 million in cash, or will there be a wire transfer? If so, I would like to have the routing numbers set up ahead of time so there is no confusion or delay.
These are glorious days Helen. I wish you nothing but the best of health. I would send you my picture, but I don’t want your fever to go up. 
I apologize if you and Tony are a couple, but I will not deny my feelings for you even though he has access to your email inbox. If you would like to correspond with me secretly behind Tony’s back, my other email address is: knockknockwhostherethepenetrator@gmail.com
Love,
Doug
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(no reply yet)
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F’d of the Day: Max iPad
Sep 2nd
Manny posted an ad looking for a cheap iPad. His post is just below, and his emails are in black and my emails, from Doug, are in blue. I appreciate all the feedback I’m getting on these, so let me know if the fonts and format are easy for you to read, if you think different colors would work better, etc, at: helppeople@fwithpeople.com
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I need an ipad at a good price
Im looking for an ipad cheap.. please let me know!!!
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from Doug******@yahoo.com
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Hey, good afternoon.
I have a couple of iPads that are ‘brand’ new and still in the box. I was wondering what your price range is.
Thanks,
Doug
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from: ***manny@yahoo.com
my budget is 450 for a 32gb
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from Doug******@yahoo.com:
Yeah, well, I don’t mean to hem and haw over price, but I was thinking more along the lines of 400, even.
let me know.
Doug
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from ***manny@yahoo.com
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400 for a 32gb and u said there new
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from Doug******@yahoo.com:
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Well, they’re new and they’re factory sealed. These haven’t been opened and then shrink-wrapped again by some novice. No tampering at all, never used, brand new. Now, you’re probably asking yourself “how did this dude get new iPads, factory sealed, never opened, never used, and he only wants $400 for them?” and then you’d answer your own question by asking another question “are these iPads….stolen?” in which case I would advise you not to ask me that question. Sometimes questions get in the way of a simple transaction. You have money? I have a product. Now I have the money? Now you have the product. It’s nice, it’s easy, and, the best part is it’s untraceable. You’re not going to do something silly, like register the product online right? Because you don’t need to in order to get wifi/online access. Registering the product is like telling the company and big brother “Hey, yeah, I want you guys to be able to track me all over the fucking place.” I’m going to register my god damn digital camera? No. I got a warranty. Your iPad is going to come with a warranty, too. You can’t return it to a store (because there is no store) but you can send it back to Apple if there was an issue. They would send you a refurbished one, and what are they gonna do, ask you questions about where you bought it? They got like 50,000 of those things arriving every day with one issue or another. They take one in, throw it on the pile, then ship you another one out. Good luck to them even trying to find you and me.
$400. Final. Sealed, new, never used. I got 30 of them. (I know you probably only need 1, but you can maybe tell your friends and make some purchases for them)
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Booyah,
Doug
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from ***manny@yahoo.com
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how many gb are they
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from doug*****@yahoo.com
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They’re all the same, 32GB and WiFi (3G package not included, you’ll have to do that shit on your own)
If and when you’re ready, you’ll either send me the cash and I can ship it to you, or you can meet a friend of mine at a public location and place your order with him.
D
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from ***manny@yahoo.com
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how can i know its not some set up n shit.
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from Doug*****@yahoo.com
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Hey my man, good question. I don’t blame you for asking. People are getting r*ped, stabbed, dragged by cars, maced, tased, slapped, peeped on, groped, etc. You don’t think the cops have enough to do other than you getting a good deal on your new portable porn machine? Come on man. If it makes you feel better, when you meet my friend, you just say the best thing of all time (and this works for prostitutes, too): “Are you a cop?”
They have to say yes to that question. If they say “yes”, you can just say “oh, what a nice job you’ve been doing in our city” and walk away. But I can assure you, my friend will say “no” to that question because he’s not a cop and he also wants the money. We do a 50/50 split. Sometimes he’s out there making the sale, and sometimes I’m out there making the sale. We’re not selling drugs, people, or $2 million paintings. They don’t give a fuck. Plus, there’s probably some law about receiving “acquired” property (I never use the word ‘stolen’) under/over a certain dollar amount. Hey, if I were selling you an “acquired” Lexus, we’d both be concerned about this deal. Like, right now, for all I know, you’re a cop, but if the cops are busting people over a nice new iPad, then what the fuck is this world coming to?
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Cops. They make me laugh.
Doug
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from ***manny@yahoo.com
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koo if i were to buy maybe two or three of them u wont work out a deal with me? ,, i got some birthdays coming up
koo if i were to buy maybe two or three of them u wont work out a deal with me? ,, i got some birthdays coming up
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from Doug*****@yahoo.com
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I don’t know what it is, maybe people think I’m new to the Acquired Goods Industry. I don’t sit around haggling on price. The price is already haggled for us. $600 new at the Apple Store, or, $400 new at the Doug Store. Same product, better price. I even smile and say “Thank you, come again.” So let’s say you have 4 birthdays coming up and you want to buy 4 iPads:
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The first iPad is: $400
And, since I’m a nice guy, and I can appreciate a birthday celebration as much as the next guy, the second iPad is: $400
Then we can repeat that math for the rest of the birthday presents you’re buying. If you want all 30 iPads (which would be great news for me), it would be $12,000. Then, I don’t care if you turn around and sell them for $450 a piece or whatever. But let’s face it, I’m going to sell these things one by one for $400 if I have to. My inbox is getting blizzown up with offers.
Knock knock.
Who There?
Dougie
Dougie who?
Dougie iPad, who got $400?
Thanks,
Doug
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from ***manny@yahoo.com
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haha where can i meet u
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From Doug*****@yahoo.com
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A lot of people want to meet at hotels, and Starbucks, or the parking lot at Home Depot. They’re not thinking with their heads. That’s where people go when they have something to hide, or they’re wearing wires because they’re rats and snitches. Me and Donnie found the best place to conduct this business of our is in front of some place so public and such a high traffic area, no one would ever suspect it. You just come up, hand me or Donnie an envelope, we do a quick count, and then I hand you the box like we’re old friends. See attached.
Dougie iPad
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from ***manny@yahoo.com
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u wonna meet at a police station?
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(Editors note: Absolutely 100% to be continued….May the F be with you.)
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