F'ing people, one email at a time
Posts tagged blasties
F’d of the Day: Calling all Ice Sculptors
Dec 31st
Ho-Ho-Ho! Happy New Year! Get ready for a big 2011! Guess who else is gearing up for great 2011? Exxon! YEAH! HAHAHA! Bring on some higher gas prices, we dare you! Hey, we don’t mind paying premium prices for premium octane, am I right? We submitted a song to Exxon to be used in a commercial and it goes like this: (to the tune of “These Boots Were Made for Walkin.” Seriously, sing it outloud)
This Earth was made for drillin’
That’s just what we’ll do,
One of these days Exxon’s
gonna drill all over you.
(as the camera fades back into Space it shows a gigantic drill splitting the Earth in half)
Okay, we don’t want to make it seem like we’re putting ads in our blog, but it’s no secret we’re fans of Big Oil. We may even announce a partnership in the very near future, like the ones we have with Twitter, Facebook, Cyberclop, EnergyBorg, and Amazon (feel free to peruse our Amazon shop in the right side column of our blog.) Let’s get down to business. Today’s F’d of the Day features Doug applying for an Ice Sculpting position. We get a lot of email (oh, a lot), saying things like “You went too fast with this person” or “you should have strung them along more.” Thanks for the advice, but be quiet. Doug knows what he’s doing. Their ad and emails are in black and Doug types it up in blue. May the F be with you ™
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Ice Sculptor Needed
In need of an ice sculptor for an upcoming wedding in the Summer. Only experienced individuals reply please and provide a link to your work. Need a piece to be used for the raw bar.
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From Doug:
Hello,
I’ve been creating ice sculptures for nearly 15 years. You may have already found someone but if not please let me know. I can send samples if you’d like.
Thanks,
Doug
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From Lisa:
Hi Doug,
Please do send samples and a price.
Thank you,
Lisa
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From Doug:
Good Morning Lisa,
Thank you for writing back. Ice Sculpting has certainly seen some changes over the past 10 to 15 years. It was once considered art, where only a gifted few, myself included, could transform giant blocks of ice into living and breathing replicas of things we see in everyday life. I could sculpt a swan using a small ice pick, blindfolded, while my other hand reads braille (as my eyesight isn’t what it once was.) Did you know that the “Braille for Dummies” book comes in Braille? I don’t think that’s fair. Now, some 15 years later, Ice Sculpting has become the “soup (ice) du jour”, where every culinary student thinks a chainsaw, a file, and an ice pick is their ticket to fame. I was known as the Stevie Wonder of Ice Sculpting (you can Google it), which I take as an insult because I can play the piano about as well as Steven can sculpt. The only thing we have in common is we are both legally blind, and both have braids.
With all of my art, I tend to start off small and work my way to larger, majestic pieces. This first piece I offer you is called “Bowl of Ice,” and it costs $900. Water will freeze quickly at 32 degrees fahrenheit, but what we’ve done here is allow for a long, slow freeze at a temperature of 33 degrees. It’s what you would call a “soft” ice. This is a beautiful ice that can be looked at, or, perhaps tonged into a Holiday drink. Our “soft” ice is suitable for all ages to safely consume, so you won’t have to worry about a 12 year old tapping out during your event. (attached as “dougsbowlofice.jpg”)
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The second piece I offer is one I am not particularly proud of because it requires no imagination or creativity whatsoever, but it is the piece that oftentimes gets me hired. It’s a sculpture of a Blackberry phone and the picture was taken at an event in Pittsburgh (a city whose dark plumbing history would horrify you.) This piece is $4,500 and it’s called “No, It Won’t Dial Out.” Before you say “Wow! That’s amazing! It looks exactly like a giant Blackberry!”, don’t, I’ve heard it all before and already know it. (attached as dougcorporatesellout.jpg)
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The third and final piece I offer is my “piece de resistance” or “Art you simply cannot resist.” What I’ve done is take 40 million tons of snow and ice and create a landscape of what you might see in Antarctica. Some in the Ice Sculpture community would frown on my use of snow, to them it’s like lip-synching at the Grammy’s. However, snow is technically ice broken into millions of little pieces by God. When it’s raining, people say God is crying, and when there’s Thunder, God is going poopers. When it’s snowing, people have joked that God has dandruff, or it’s his Athlete’s Foot flaking off. I like to think that God is telling the world that he wants me to sculp something. This piece is called “Tundra” and it’s $4 million. (attached as dougstundra.jpg. Doug Monroe Ice Sculpting, Inc. LLC not responsible for mountain range in rear)
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Those are my three offerings. If you would like something created specifically for your event, please let me know.
Thanks,
Doug
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(no reply)
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F’d of the Day: Steelers!
Dec 7th
Happy Tuesday from Fwithpeople.com. You might be asking yourself, “what makes this day so happy?” Well, not only did we announce our partnership with PayPal last week and a new t-shirt Contest yesterday, we also created a new Contest Page (located above) where you can see how to enter our various contests. That’s what makes it happy. Now, let’s get to the F’d of the Day. Their ad and emails are in black, and Doug types it up in blue. May the F be with you ™
WANT A STEELERS WATCH FOR A CHRISTMAS PRESENT (PA)
I AM LOOKING FOR A NICE STEELERS WATCH FOR MY FATHER FOR CHRISTMAS EMAIL A PHOTO AND PRICE FOR THE WATCH OR CALL ME AT ***-***-**** THANK YOU
From Doug:
Hey! Only 24 more shopping days to get that watch. You probably found it already, but if not, let me know and I’ll send along the photos of the watch I have for sale.
Thanks,
Doug
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From Frank:
Send photos to *********@hotmail.com
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From Doug:
Oh, hey Frank. I really get the sense that you’re filled with Christmas cheer, and that’s why I’m happy to sell you this watch. I also have signed photos of some Steelers, too, if you’re Dad is a real big fan. Tell you the truth, I don’t even want to get rid of them, but my wife Debbie wants me to clear out some of this clutter. Here’s a picture of the watch, let me know what you think.
Doug
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From Frank:
Thats too flashy for my father. What autographs do you have?
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From Doug:
What do you mean, too flashy? Like, made of metal? What kind of watch does your dad want, a wooden one? It’s a Steelers watch, and it’s made of 100% cast iron steel. Note the craftsmanship of this timepiece. It has 24 hour capability, giving you the exact time, down to the second, if that’s what you’re looking for. You can wind this watch, or, you can simply wave your arm back and forth like you’re hailing a cab. Note the authentic Steelers colors. The blue signifies the blue collar work ethic that Pittsburgh is known for. The red symbolizes the heat of molten metals, as metal was the number one export of the region. The yellow is symbolic of the early days of Pittsburgh, when the two t’s used to be silent and waste simply flowed down the streets and into the Three Rivers. Speaking of the Rivers, your Dad can also Scuba with this watch up to 100 feet. This watch won’t last long. $20.
Thanks,
Doug
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From Frank:
He won’t like that watch so I don’t want it. What pictures do you have?
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From Doug:
If you think you’re going to haggle me down to $17.50, or, worse, $17, you can forget about it. My inbox is blowing up with offers from other Steelers fans, and really, what makes this watch unique and almost a collectible, other than its ability to tell time to the second, is that fact that it can go on either wrist. Well, we all remember Big Ben’s motorcycle accident. He hooked up with 3 nurses at the Hospital that day. So, we got to talking one night over dinner, and he ended up giving me a famous autographed picture. I’ll sell this picture for $350, however, you’d probably want to buy it for someone named Doug.
Thanks,
Doug
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(Click to view whole image)
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(No reply)
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F’d of the Day: Ping Pong Hero
Nov 4th
We are rolling in the aisles here at Fwithpeople.com HQ because some concrete numbers have come in. These figures cannot be disputed, so don’t bother trying. Here they are: 161, 109, 77, 53, 48 and 24. What do those number represent? Nope, wrong, they aren’t Sparky Andersons daily weigh-ins. They do represent, in chronological order of release, the overall view counts our Project F videos. That sigh you just let out sums up our morning. Let’s turn this shit around and F with someone in Montana. Their ad and emails are in black, Dougie Monroe types it up in blue. May the F be with you ™
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Ping Pong table, gently used – $250
I’m looking for a good quality, gently used ping pong table for our rec room. Will travel up to 150 miles for a good deal. $250 is the most I can pay including gas. Thanks for letting me know what you have; pictures would be great.
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From Doug:
Hello, my friend,
Your ad comes at good time, right at holidays almost. I have sold some things from home. Alot people try make cheap try for things. Try to buy my used car $300. Try to buy a microwave $8. Crazy people. You make good try for ping table. $250. This table new. Kids would rather play nintendo or text message friends. You want, you have. Please tell me if you can pick up next weekend. Thanks. Douglas.
Sent from my Droid Phone. Add Friends and Family for just $5. Please visit your local Verizon store for more details. Promotion not valid in all areas. Activation fee may be assessed. Taxes may vary from state to state. 2 year service plan may be required. There is a Verizon on your Horizon ™
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From Diane (monb******@aol.com)
Please let me know:
How old is it?
Where did you buy it, and what did it cost new?
Does it fold up vertically, and does it have wheels?
Can you send me a picture or two?
Can two people get it out of your home and load it into a trailer?
Thanks for your time and information. I am interested, and have another one I will check out also.
Diane
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From Doug:
Oh, okay, yeah, let me just settle in here for a bit to take this interview.
1. The table is 1 year(s) old, like new and gently used.
2. I bought it online from Robbins table tennis (robbinstabletennis.com.) It was $699.95 new. It’s international tournament quality, so I guess that means you can take it overseas with you if you want to compete.
3. It folds up vertically, and it has wheels which makes for easy storage. It also folds up horizontally if the table is upside down.
4. I’ll include a picture (attached as dougspingy.jpg), but you can also see it at robbinstabletennis.com.
5. Yes, it will require two people to get it out of the house and into a truck or trailer. If you are interested and show up alone, my wife Debbie will help you carry it out. She can get really amped when it comes to moving things, especially if she’s got her monthly demon.
Well, it’s a good deal, more than 50% off on a great table.
Let me know,
Doug “Topspin” Monroe
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From Doug (the next day):
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Hello, your email bounced. Everything okay?
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From Diane monb******@aol.com:
Yes, I don’t know why it would have been sent back.
That’s a really nice table! Where do you live?
I’m able to come out tonight to see it, but it may be too large for getting up the stairs into the rec room. Does it disassemble to make it easier?
Call me at 539-**** if you can. I’m going offline for awhile.
Diane
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From Doug:
Well, a lot of times when email is sent back, it usually means that the email address belongs to a spammer or someone that is trying to scam money via electronic transfer for goods that most likely don’t exist. I’ve sent a quick copy of our conversation along with your phone number to AOL, and they said they would keep a very close eye on your account activity, monitoring email behavior patterns, detecting potential spam-like material, etc.
But that table is really nice, isn’t it? I really don’t want to see it go, but we have no choice but to sell. The most important thing for me at this point is to make sure it’s going to a nice home. Sorry I missed your email last night, Debbie doesn’t like when I’m on the computer after 5pm, because she thinks it’s bad for my eyes, wrists, forearms, neckbone, posture, circulation, arthritis, and brain.
The table can be disassembled to make it easier for you to move up a flight of stairs. Can you send a picture of your hallway and staircase and I’ll let you know what I think?
Thanks,
Topspin
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From Diane (monb******@aol.com):
This project is on hold for the time being. I am waiting to hear back from a guy who has a table for $125, but he’s not sure where it is right now!
I live between Belgrade and Manhattan. Did you say you are in Bozeman?
Diane
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From Doug:
I’m sorry. I’m sorry, what? Can you repeat that? What does it mean when you say the project is on hold? You are waiting to hear back from a guy who has a table for $125, but he’s not sure where it is. Hmm…Sounds like a wonderful prospect. Let me ask you this. You’ve lost your glasses before, or, maybe a set of keys, but when’s the last time you lost a table? So now your project is on hold, which puts my project on hold, while we simultaneously wait for an idiot to locate a table. Where does he even get off contacting you about a table if he doesn’t know where it is? What did his email say (can you forward it to me?) I am really flummoxed. Let me get this straight. He emailed you and said something to the effect of “I have a ping pong table you might be interested in. I’m asking $125. Before I can sell it to you, I just have to find it.” I hope he never finds it and then you and I can continue on with our original project, the one where you have the money and the one where I have the table right here, and not the one where we both are waiting on a moron. I’m sorry if I seem a little bit tense, I’ve been having trouble going.
If you’d like, we can get that other guy on a conference call to see where things stand. I contacted you first, buy my table TODAY.
Thanks,
Topspin
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(no reply)
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Lazy Afternoon F…
Sep 1st
This guy needs to get out there to buy a new amp and he’s running out of time, and yet, he had time to post this ad. If anyone wants to help this guy out by lending him an amp, please just email: thisguyneedsanamp@fwithpeople.com
(his emails are in black, and my replies, from Doug, are in blue)
Bass amp needed for gig – $40
My band is playing a gig in ******* on Friday night, and my amp is busted. I can’t get it repaired in time for the show, so I need to borrow one.
This is a small gig so I definitely don’t need anything huge. A small-to-medium sized combo amp will do nicely.
I’ll pick it up Thursday and bring it back Saturday. I’ll pay you $40, and we could work out another dollar amount as a deposit if necessary.
Please contact by email if you have something available. Thanks!
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from Doug:
Hey man, saw your ad for the amp. You can borrow mine, $40 is kind of unnecessary. If it makes you feel better, I guess you could buy me a latte and maybe talk for a bit?
Let me know..
Krist
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From: Ben.*****@yahoo.com>
To: Doug <doug***@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Bass Amp
To: Doug <doug***@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Bass Amp
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Great news! Where do you live, and when could I come by to check it out?
Ben
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From: Doug
Subject: Re: Bass Amp
To: Ben
Subject: Re: Bass Amp
To: Ben
Hey Ben,
I’m in *******, and you can come by and pick it up, or I can drop it off to you if you’re going to be near or in downtown. The thing is in great shape, I may end up just giving it to you as I have plenty of them. How long have you been playing the bass? I’ve been letting my fingers do the talking on a bass for about….woah….20 years. What kind of tunes do you and your band play? Keep on rockin’.
Krist
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From Ben:
I live at State and ****, right in the ****town. I could be around any time tomorrow evening. If that doesn’t work, I could also head out to ****** to pick it up. What kind of amp is it?
Ben
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From Doug:
Cool. Cool. The ***********, I’ll have to check it out. Wouldn’t mind sitting in with you guys for a couple of tunes, maybe an encore, you know? The amp is an Orange AD200. Both me and Geddy Lee (of Rush) endorse it. It’s back-to-basics, 200W tube head that is about as close as you can come to plugging your bass straight into a power amp. Active and passive inputs, master volume and gain, treble middle and bass, standby and power switches, all front mounted. Here’s a cool early pic from my band (I’m on the right in the monkey suit and pilgrim hair.) I’d send you the link to our site, but you probably know it already.
Krist
p.s. I’m also selling insurance now, if you need any coverage.
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(no reply)
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