F'ing people, one email at a time
Posts tagged beers
F’d of the Day: Alarm Clock
Sep 22nd
This guy is looking for a really good American Made analog alarm clock. You know the good Colonel Fwith is going to have an alarm clock laying around somewhere, now that he’s retired and all. His ad is in black and my emails are in blue.
American Made Analog Alarm Clock (****** area)
Looking for a good American Made Analog Alarm Clock (battery operated only).
If you have one you don’t need that is in excellent condition, let me know.
f
f
from: Richard Fwith
hey I just retired and got a nice alarm clock. paid $20 for this but am willing to sell for $4. now that I’m retired, what the hell do I need with an alarm clock, you know?
let me know,
colonel richard
f
f
f
From: Vernon
Thank you Richard. Can you send a picture ? American made ?
thanks,
Vernon
f
f
f
from: Richard Fwith
american made? Of course it’s american made you sob, I’m a navy man my whole life. let me just take a picture in a minute and I’ll send it to you once I take the picture and get it hooked up to the computer. don’t try to haggle me on the $4, a woman tried to talk me down from $10 to $8 on a get abs while you sleep dvd. I don’t haggle, all prices are final. And don’t forget to put the Colonel in there.
thanks vernon.
Colonel Richard
f
f
f
From Vernon:
Thanks Colonel Richard! If anything, I’d probably give you more than 4 dollars .
f
f
f
From Richard Fwith:
Oh really? You ain’t too good at business, but if you want to give me more than 4 dollars then who the hell am I to stop you? The new number is $17.
Here is a picture of the clock. some assembly required.
Thanks,
Colonel Richard
f
f
f
f
f
f
(no reply)
[?]
F’d of the Day Bonus: Booooo!
Sep 17th
Two F’d of the Day’s in one day. That’s pretty good, no wonder why readership has gone from 4 to 12 in just two short months. If we continue on this trend, we’ll have 600 readers at the time of my death. Here we go again with the Halloween theme, and why not, Halloween is just around the corner. Their ad and emails in black, my email replies in blue.
Halloween Props (altoona)
I am looking for larger Halloween props for a Halloween party that i am having this year. If you have any that you dont want anymore, I will gladly buy then or take them off your hands for free. Please let me know if you have anything sitting around in the garage or attic or basement. Maybe the stuff is just in your way. Thanks alot!
f
from Doug:
Hey, our store closed about 6 months ago, we have a bunch of props for Halloween. You’re just in time, too, because we were gonna start selling or throwing out..
What’s your budget look like?
Thanks,
Doug
f
f
from Stephanie:
What all do you have and what are you asking for them? reasonably? and where are you located?
f
f
from Doug:
We have everything from headstones, nooses, mummies, zombies, body parts, masks, smoke machines, strobe lights, rubber bats, haunted donkeys, skull shaped punch bowls, plastic swords, eye patches, eye-ball ice cube trays, 50′s pin-up costumes, fake teeth, plastic bones, astronaut helmets, vampire capes, 55 gallon drums of fake blood, sound effect cd’s, his and hers caskets, goalie masks, haunted board games, scarecrows, spiders, animated accessories such as “Creepy Caretaker” and “Fuming Rotter” (corpse coming out of ground and breathing fog), Haunted Magic Mirror, cemetary fencing and much, much, much, much more. Probably too much to list here.
Does anything there catch your eye? Please let me know and I can send a picture and price if any of those items make sense for your party. Like I said, we went out of business so everything is going really cheap, 90% off, nearly free. Where is your party located, we can deliver if there are several items purchased.
Boo!
Doug
p.s. Sorry, couldn’t resist.
f
from Stephanie:
I would be interested in the smoke machine or fog machine..i have been looking for a discounted one. Skull punch bowl sounds neat. Eye ball ice cube tray maybe. Do you have photos of the animated bigger stuff and how much are you asking? The mirror sounds cool too..Where are you located at? I could come there to see the stuff.
f
f
from Doug:
Yep, yep, absolutely. One of the things we did with our inventory was to take pictures of it all, not just for insurance purposes, but also to show customers on our old web site (no longer active but had a pretty catchy domain name: www.knockknockwhosthereyoujustgottheshiznitscaredoutofyou.com)
f
Anyway, there are too many props to list them all. I simply cannot list them all. Not only do I not have enough time to type them, but you don’t have enough time to read them. There are that many. That’s why I wish we were still in business, you know? Sorry, I don’t mean to get all sentimental. Aside from the skull punch bowl and eyeball ice cube trays, we also have the smoke machine, the Fuming Rotter, clown heads with fangs, an electric dancing broom, demon scented candles (smell like torn flesh), pumpkin carving and decoration set, a cracked/leaking urn, human heart shaped cookie pans, bone necklaces, Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys Halloween series (hardcover), centaur costume (half-human, half-bull), glow in the dark body paint, Leatherface replica chainsaw, guts fountain, orange and black silly string, poltergeist generator, and much, much, much, much more. There is too much inventory to list it all on email. We have three storage facilities so let me know what town you’re in and we can lead you to the closest one.
Try to remember, Halloween is not like the other holidays. It only comes once a year and that’s what makes it so special.
Doug
f
f
from Stephanie:
Your inventory sounds great! I live near Altoona, PA…where would be your closest storage?
f
f
from Doug:
The massive and extensive inventory is ultimately what forced us to close our business, but thank you for the compliment. The other factor that doomed us was the decision to go into business with my wife Debbie. “It will be fun! We’ll commute together, we’ll have lunch together, we’ll do inventory, we’ll dress up like the Munsters, we’ll share in the profits, we won’t get sick of each other!” That was stuff Debbie would say. I can say to you now that the only part that was enjoyable was lunch, but to be honest, I enjoy having lunch with anybody. Making matters worse was her sister, Denise, who me and my friends nicknamed “Denise the idiot.” Debbie hired her “part time, just for a little while, I promise”, which turned into 18 months of unbalanced register totals (shockingly only during her shift!) and missing inventory (I have video of her stealing an unclothed Billy Idol mannequin.) I’ll attach a photo of those two at our Grand Opening. I wish I could say they weren’t wearing makeup, but they were.
Anyway, the closest facility is in Tipton.
Doug
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
from Stephanie:
Tipton isnt very far away from here..when would you have time to meet? I work in the evenings mostly. I am off on the weekends. Let me know when you would be available. Thanks alot!
Stephanie
f
f
f
f
from Doug:
f
The storage facility is in Tipton and it’s one of those self-storage places. Denise the Idiot lives in Tipton, so she would probably be there to unlock the door to the unit and help you load up your truck or car and take your money. I’m going to need you to follow up with me about what you purchased and how much money you gave her. There are a couple of things you’ll want to know about DTI (Denise the Idiot) before you meet up with her. She’ll probably try to tell you that I told her you would bring or buy her lunch for her help. I did not tell her this and under no circumstances should you buy her lunch or attempt to feed her. Do not let her “hold your purse for your convenience” while you shop around the storage unit. If she asks you to front her some money until she can get to the lottery office to cash in a winning ticket, you should say no to that. There is no winning ticket. Do not let her borrow your car. She was also not now, or ever, “Miss Pennsylvania” and you will know this instantly upon sight and upon opening the attachment I’ve sent titled shewasnevermissPA.jpg.
If you’d rather visit one of the other facilities where normal people can help, let me know, but that one is closest.
Thanks,
Doug
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
(No reply. I can’t imagine there would be a reply to this, but you know how I feel about “To Be Continued’s”, so let’s tentatively “to be continued” this one…)
f
(UPDATE: PART 2 of TO BE CONTINUED)
f
f
From Stephanie:
Hi! I talked to you a few weeks ago about buying some of your Halloween items that you havein storage in Tipton. If your still interested in selling, would you please contact me back. Thanks!
f
f
From Doug:
Hey, yeah, I remember you, kinda. Sorry about not getting back to you, it’s been a rough couple of days. Not sure if I told you about my sister in law, Denise the Idiot, but she f’d up our storage facility last week. Like, f’d it up for good. I’ve attached an image as “denisefellasleepwhilemakingsmores.jpg” and we are (or, were) the 5th storage unit down from the right. I had no choice but to ‘fire’ her. Sure, pun intended.
Have a great Halloween.
Doug
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
(no reply, right?)
[?]
Continued F….Fore!
Sep 9th
This guy simply will not let me stop F’ing with him. If you didn’t see yesterday’s Lazy Afternoon F, let me post it again with the continuation at the bottom:
f
The temperature is just right for a lazy afternoon F. This guy is looking for golf clubs, if you have an extra set hit me up and I’ll get you in touch with him. He writes in black, and I write in blue.
f
f
Wanted Titleist, Taylormade, Ping, Callaway, or Mizuno Irons (WPB)
I want to buy a set of irons, They have to be in great condition or new… I am specifically looking for Titleist AP1 or Ap2 irons, Taylormade r9 or Taylormade Burner irons, Ping G15 irons, Callaway X22 or X24 irons, or any of the new Mizuno irons… Please email me back if you want to sell… I will pay top dollar…
f
f
f
From Doug:
hey, how many sets are you looking for? I have about 15 sets of Callaway X22′s and 24′s…Can only play with one set at a time, you know?
You probably found some by now but if not, let me know.
thanks,
Doug
f
f
from Dylan:
Are they authentic?
f
f
from Doug:
f
Of course, bud. My sponsors send them to me direct from California. I’ve got more clubs and gear that I know what to do with. Of course, like anybody, I have to make some dough on the side.
$250 per set.
Thanks,
Doug
f
f
from Dylan:
f
hmm sounds good ill get back to you soon… are the sets 4-pw??? also i was wondering if u have any 52 56 or 60 degree wedges that u can sell…
f
f
f
f
from Doug:
f
f
52′s and 56′s, yeah, but a 60 for me is more like a lob wedge and I have enough distance control on my pitching wedge where I can basically treat it like a 60. Just open the face wide and swing down and through. The sets are all 2-iron through PW, my sponsors know I need a 2-iron to compete.
You know, a lot of people think the British Open at Old St. Andrews is my favorite victory, but I have a little secret for you. It’s the PGA. See attached.
John
p.s. Sorry for the email alias. You know how it is.
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
from Dylan:
Wat kind of wedges do u have to sell like the callaway x jaws?
Wat kind of wedges do u have to sell like the callaway x jaws?
f
f
f
f
f
From Doug:
f
aww shit man, if you buy some clubs I’ll just stuff a few wedges into the bag and send ‘em. I’ll sign the bag, too. Speaking of signing things….Awooooooga!
Signing ‘em. It never gets old, Bubba.
JD
f
f
f
f
f
f
(to be continued!)
[?]
