F'ing people, one email at a time
Posts tagged beer
F’d of the Day: File this
Jan 7th
Happy Friday from Fwithpeople.com. Let me guess. Payday? Casual day? I hope so. So why not sit back, have a sip of coffee, and check out today’s F’d of the Day. Some of you out there have probably gone for a massage before, a ‘full’ service massage. Doug’s been considering it, but he always thinks on the day he goes there’s going to be an undercover sting operation. Call your Congressman and ask them to put “Doug’s Law” into motion, where no man is denied the right to anonymous handjob services. When you consider the power that we, the American people have, imagine all of us, and all of your friends, gathering around the State House chanting “Rub and Tug! Rub and Tug! Rub and Tug!” There’s nothing we can’t accomplish. If you know of a safe rub and tug operation, please email us with an address to: saferubandtug@fwithpeople.com
Let’s wrap up a pretty dry week with an F’d of the Day that features Trish who’s looking for a filing cabinet. She’s not really one for words, so Doug helps her along a little bit. Her ad and emails are in black, and Doug types it up in blue. May the F be with you ™
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2 drawer file cabinet – $25
2 drawer filing cabinet in good condition. Beige or putty in color.
(iowa…quad cities)
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From Doug
Hello,
You may have already found your file cabinet by now, but if not, let me know. We have some filing cabinets and a desk available.
Thanks,
Doug
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From Trish:
Do you have a 2 drawer? are they light colored in good condition? Where can I look at it?
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From Doug:
Hi Trish,
Thanks for writing back. I have two 2-drawer cabinets, one 3-drawer cabinet, two 4-drawer cabinets, one 5-drawer cabinet, one 7-drawer cabinet, one wooden rolltop desk (made of Walnutto), one bankers lamp, a desk calendar (2009), assorted desk ornaments, a leather chair (on wheels that also spins and leans back) and numerous other pieces of office furniture, so much so that it would take too long to list them all.
The file cabinets are what I would call a “pecan sandie,” like the cookie. If you’re not familiar with a pecan sandie, it’s a beige/cream colored treat. All of the cabinets are colored pecan sandie and would make a great addition to the office you’re putting together.
If you’d like, I can send some pictures along.
Thanks,
Doug
From Trish:
Please only send pictures if you are in the QC area
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From Doug:
Trish,
This is the rolltop desk I was speaking about. More pics to follow with file cabinets, calendar, fax machine, motivational pictures, wall clock, abacus, and other office equipment. I would list them all but there is simply too much to list here. This desk is $150. That is the price I’m extending to you, so if you’d like to turn it around and sell it for more it will just be our little secret.
Thanks,
Doug
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From Trish:
Thanks, but please send pictures of the filing cabinets. I may have someone interested in your 4 drawer.
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From Doug:
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Me again.
Let me take you on a trip down memory lane. Attached is a one of a kind fax machine, it has the ability to fax documents (place your document face down, otherwise the person you are faxing will receive a blank page and be puzzled. If you are trying to fax a blank page, then placing the document face up is fine.) Now, this fax machine also acts as a hardline for making outbound phone calls, as well as receiving inbound phone calls. I don’t know how often you’d be on the phone at the exact same time you choose to send a fax, unless you’re calling someone to say “I’m sending the fax…..now!” and then pressing “fax.” Obviously, to perform that “fax n’ call” function at the same time, you’re going to need 2 phone lines. Second phone line not included. Ask your friend if they are interested in the fax.
Just the fax, m’am!
Doug
(couldn’t resist)
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From Trish:
Need an address. And need to see pictures of the cabinets before we come over.
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From Doug:
Hi Trish,
I will give you the address once they are done with the investigation. As you can see, there are cabinets and other office goodies in the background. The computer is being taken in as evidence, so that’s not for sale, but everything else is up for grabs. Thank you for your patience while we wait for them to solve this case and shampoo the carpets.
Doug
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(No Reply)
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F’d of the Day: Steelers!
Dec 7th
Happy Tuesday from Fwithpeople.com. You might be asking yourself, “what makes this day so happy?” Well, not only did we announce our partnership with PayPal last week and a new t-shirt Contest yesterday, we also created a new Contest Page (located above) where you can see how to enter our various contests. That’s what makes it happy. Now, let’s get to the F’d of the Day. Their ad and emails are in black, and Doug types it up in blue. May the F be with you ™
WANT A STEELERS WATCH FOR A CHRISTMAS PRESENT (PA)
I AM LOOKING FOR A NICE STEELERS WATCH FOR MY FATHER FOR CHRISTMAS EMAIL A PHOTO AND PRICE FOR THE WATCH OR CALL ME AT ***-***-**** THANK YOU
From Doug:
Hey! Only 24 more shopping days to get that watch. You probably found it already, but if not, let me know and I’ll send along the photos of the watch I have for sale.
Thanks,
Doug
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From Frank:
Send photos to *********@hotmail.com
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From Doug:
Oh, hey Frank. I really get the sense that you’re filled with Christmas cheer, and that’s why I’m happy to sell you this watch. I also have signed photos of some Steelers, too, if you’re Dad is a real big fan. Tell you the truth, I don’t even want to get rid of them, but my wife Debbie wants me to clear out some of this clutter. Here’s a picture of the watch, let me know what you think.
Doug
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From Frank:
Thats too flashy for my father. What autographs do you have?
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From Doug:
What do you mean, too flashy? Like, made of metal? What kind of watch does your dad want, a wooden one? It’s a Steelers watch, and it’s made of 100% cast iron steel. Note the craftsmanship of this timepiece. It has 24 hour capability, giving you the exact time, down to the second, if that’s what you’re looking for. You can wind this watch, or, you can simply wave your arm back and forth like you’re hailing a cab. Note the authentic Steelers colors. The blue signifies the blue collar work ethic that Pittsburgh is known for. The red symbolizes the heat of molten metals, as metal was the number one export of the region. The yellow is symbolic of the early days of Pittsburgh, when the two t’s used to be silent and waste simply flowed down the streets and into the Three Rivers. Speaking of the Rivers, your Dad can also Scuba with this watch up to 100 feet. This watch won’t last long. $20.
Thanks,
Doug
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From Frank:
He won’t like that watch so I don’t want it. What pictures do you have?
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From Doug:
If you think you’re going to haggle me down to $17.50, or, worse, $17, you can forget about it. My inbox is blowing up with offers from other Steelers fans, and really, what makes this watch unique and almost a collectible, other than its ability to tell time to the second, is that fact that it can go on either wrist. Well, we all remember Big Ben’s motorcycle accident. He hooked up with 3 nurses at the Hospital that day. So, we got to talking one night over dinner, and he ended up giving me a famous autographed picture. I’ll sell this picture for $350, however, you’d probably want to buy it for someone named Doug.
Thanks,
Doug
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(Click to view whole image)
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(No reply)
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Quick F’d of the Day: Job Oportuneity
Nov 15th
Monday. Mmmm. It’s the best day of the week for people on unemployment. You know why? Because for them every day is Saturday. Granted, day time television programming is worse, and listening to the bustle of commuters can be annoying if you’re trying to sleep until the Price is Right comes on. Here is a potential “To Do” list for an unemployed person:
1. Wake up (optional)
2. Call of Duty Black-Ops (Send your Xbox 360 Gamer Tags to: gamertags@fwithpeople.com)
3. xvideos.com (Probably shouldn’t click that, not from work anyway)
4. Repeat
As you know, Doug is always on the lookout for job opportunities, and simply could not resist applying for this position that was posted below. Their ad and emails are in black, and Doug types it up in blue. May the F be with you ™
MORTGAGE PROCESSOR
“MORTAGAE LOAN PROCESSOR ” NEEDED .LOOKING FOR EXPIERENCED PROCESSOR KNOWLEDGABLE IN FNMA/FHLMC & FHA.UNDERWRITING GUILDLINES.RESPONIBILITIES AND KNOWLEDGE OF ALL ASPECTS OF GUILDING A MORTGAGE APPLIACTION FROM START TO FINISH.PROFERRABLY LICENSED BUT WOULD ENTERTAIN OTHERS.30-35 HRS PER WEEK
COMPENSATION RELATED TO KNOWLEDGE AND EXPIERENCE.
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From Doug:
Can you pleese let me no who tiped this?
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from jm*****@aol.com
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Just send your telephone #
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from Doug:
The only reeson I aksed is becuase I was addopted and when I saw the way you tiped your add, I thought mabee you were my Farther. Did you giv up a 38 year old boy wen he was juust a baby? If you want to meat some place to see haow I have been, we can meat someplayce in the midle, profferably like a Chilli’s or Starbicks. This is exsighting.
Love,
Dug. I mean, Doug.
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From jm*****@aol.com
Good Bye!
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From Doug:
Profferably speled “Goodbye” daddy.
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(no reply)
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F’d of the Day: C*mcast Revisited
Nov 11th
Happy Thursday from Fwithpeople.com. For those of you that enjoyed our previous C*mcast chat, this is the F’d of the Day for you. For those of you that didn’t like it, have a nice day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow. Doug is outraged at his monthly C*mcast bill, and yet, he realizes there’s nothing he can do about it. One thing they don’t itemize on the bill is the fact that C*mcast customers have unlimited chat support, as you’re about to see below.
Doug:
My bill is affecting my health.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Hello Doug_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Joaquin Virgilio. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Joaquin Virgilio:
How are you doing today? I am glad to have you here on chat. I am focused and committed to resolve whatever your issues are for today.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Hello Doug.
Joaquin Virgilio:
How will I be able to assist you with your bill?
Doug:
Woah, that’s fast typing. Do they call you the Typinator at the office?
Doug:
Well, Joaquin, good evening to you.
Doug:
My bill, Joaquin, has gotten out of control. I think I paid $190 last month. Can you believe that?
Joaquin Virgilio:
I have been with chat support for almost 2 years, Doug.
Doug:
Oh! If I may ask, how many words per minute do you think you can do? (Also known as “WPM’s” or “Woopems”)
Joaquin Virgilio:
I am not actually aware of the number of words per minute that I can type.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Good evening, Doug.
Doug:
Would you care to guestimate?
Doug:
Good evening? What about my bill?
Joaquin Virgilio:
I am so sorry to know that you’re frustrated with your bill.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Don’t worry.
Doug:
For example Joaquin, I noticed that I pay $15 for Showtime, and the only reason I wanted it was so I could follow up with “Dexter.” Do you watch it?
Joaquin Virgilio:
I am more than willing to assist you with your concern./
Joaquin Virgilio:
Yes, I do.
Doug:
Thank you. I knew I came to the right place.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Well I can make 20 words per minute, I think.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Yes, Indeed.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Before we begin, I would like to verify your account first. May I know your account number, name in the account and the last four digits of the account holder’s Social Security Number please.
Doug:
Okay, so, you watch Dexter, and as I pay $15 per month for Showtime, are they really going to expect me to believe that (spoiler alert) Dexter kills someone after dropping his son off at the Nanny, and then takes a call from Deb, his sister the DETECTIVE, while he’s WRAPPING THE DEAD BODY IN PLASTIC?
Doug:
I”m sorry Joaquin, I’m very passionate about that show and to see the writing, acting, and story line go down the toilet is probably taking 2 years off my life.
Doug:
Oh, last 4 digits. ****. Booyah.
Joaquin Virgilio:
And your account number, please?
Doug:
Oh come on. Who knows that? I’m in Starbucks having a Chai Tea and checking out the broads, man. You know how it is.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Oh I am so sorry.
Doug:
It’s like, 4 or 8, and then a bunch of numbers after.
Doug:
No, I am the sorry one.
Doug:
Where are you, amigo?
Joaquin Virgilio:
Can you please provide me with your complete service and primary contact number instead?
Joaquin Virgilio:
I am in the Philippines, my friend.
Doug:
Word. ***-***-**** or ***-***-**** or ***-***-****
Doug:
Philippines, right on. Right near Hawaii, right?
Joaquin Virgilio:
Not quite, Doug.
Joaquin Virgilio:
We’re located in South east asia.
Doug:
Oh, what? Oh man, wow, well, you know, on the maps we have in the U.S., they just kinda clump a bunch of countries and islands together, it looks like the U.S. spans the entire globe. I heard it’s beautiful though.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Yes, it is.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Can you please verify your complete service address?
Doug:
I can imagine the cuisine there, Joaqie. Philipino cooking is amazing, sometimes I barbecue pork in banana leaves. You know I get my cook on, brother.
Doug:
Yeah, it’s ****** Street, ******, **, ***** Guess what brother? Snow is on the way. When the last time you shoveled snow in the Philippines? No snow, right?
Joaquin Virgilio:
That’s great. You should visit our country sometime, Doug.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Well, Philippines is a tropical country Doug.
Doug:
Woah..woah…Hold up on the chat. Dude. Check it. The chick behind the counter has HUGE bombs, yo. I’m like “Damn, don’t they have a dress code up in here?” I’m thinking about taking a pic with my Droid, dude.
Joaquin Virgilio:
We never experience snow here eversince the world began.
Doug:
No snow! You gonna hook me up with a job, buddy?
Joaquin Virgilio:
Oh sure thing.
Doug:
haha. Joaquin. Come on. Who’s responsible for my $185 bill? Is it me? Am I responsible?
Joaquin Virgilio:
I am still pulling up your account, Doug.
Joaquin Virgilio:
One moment, please.
Joaquin Virgilio:
We never experience snow here since the world began.
Doug:
Come on Dude, this is Dougie M. you’re talking to, my account is easy to pull up.
Doug:
Hey, what’s this, bro? Cut and paste!
Doug:
Joaquin Virgilio::We never experience snow here since the world began.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Oh I am sorry for that.
Doug:
You probably get some hot chicks on here and they love that line. Right on, dude. I do my work at Jiffy Lube, not sure if you got one of those in the ‘Ppines, but it’s an oil change place. Chicks come in and they’re like “I need an oil change” and I go “Yeah I bet you do.” That’s all I got though.
Joaquin Virgilio:
The address that you gave has a different account holder, Doug. Don’t worry, you’re not the one who should pay $185.90.
Doug:
Hey, that’s my wife you’re talking about! Don’t tell her about the broad at Starbucks. The account holder could be “Debbie *******” but I’m the decision maker.
Joaquin Virgilio:
That is correct, Doug.
Doug:
I’ll send a pic.
Doug:
Come on, $185, that’s outrageous. I got my wisdom teeth out for $99 at the mall.
Joaquin Virgilio:
I can see that you paid $185.67 last 10/26, am I correct>?
Joaquin Virgilio:
Let me give a breakdown of that charge, Doug.
Doug:
Yes, can you believe that I paid? I’m going to need to slip into something a little more comfortable, like $120.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Sure, let me look for a package that’s cheaper than what you currently have.
Doug:
I know man, I got the hookety hook on the internet speed, I got HBO, I got Showtime for “Dexter” which the writers are now submitting the script to the actors 5 minutes before the cameras roll.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Guess what Doug.
Doug:
I’m f*cked?
Joaquin Virgilio:
We do have the $129.99 Triple Play that Includes Digital Starter cable, High speed internet with 12 mbps, and Comcast Digital Phone with Unlimited calling features. You should take advantage of this package since you don’t have a phone yet.
Doug:
WOAH. HEYO!
Doug:
I have 20mbps now, though.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Comcast Digital Voice is number 1 in call clarity, plus with Unlimited long distance calls all across the United States.
Doug:
I do all sorts of goodness on the internet. Check it. Booyah, I got the Xbox 360, I got my laptop, I got my desktop, I play the online poker, I look at the online pizzorn. I need that speed to be up to par, son.
Doug:
That’s nice of Comcast to offer the unlimited long distance calling, but, come on dude, skype is free, google voice is free. What else you got for me?
Joaquin Virgilio:
Okay,.
Doug:
Can you get me the 20MBPS with that package?
Doug:
And, does that come with HBO and Showtime?
Joaquin Virgilio:
We do have the $149.99 Triple play as well, with 20 mbps.
Joaquin Virgilio:
That includes Starz and Movieplex.
Doug:
That’s what I’m talking about. What are you thinking about HBO and Showtiiii…
Doug:
oh Jesus, Starz? What’s Movieplex?
Joaquin Virgilio:
We can separately add Showtime and HBO and we can look for discounts on these premium channels.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Movieplex is a premium channel as well for movies, Doug.
Doug:
You know what’s going to happen to me when I tell my wife that I went with a cheaper package and now we get to watch “The Klumps Go To The Grand Canyon” and “Madea Gets DP’d By 50 Cent and Snoop”?
Doug:
How much to add “HBO” and “Showtime”? If it brings me back up to $185, I’m going to cry.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Each premium channel is $
Joaquin Virgilio:
is $19.95
Doug:
So, $150 for the triple play with 20mbps, and then $20 for showtime and $20 for hbo. That’s a total of….
Doug:
hold on….
Joaquin Virgilio:
But we can look for discounts to lower the price of the premium channel that you wish to add.
Doug:
$190
Doug:
Contacting you via chat, for 20 minutes, and trying to find a cheaper package will actually cost me more money if I let you help me. I’ll actually lose $60 this year because of your kindness.
Doug:
Can I ask you a question, mano y mano?
Joaquin Virgilio:
Sure, go ahead Doug.
Doug:
Two questions.
Doug:
1. What do you think about the fact that it’s going to cost $5 more if I go with the triple play?
Doug:
2. Come on, tell me as you look around, you got hot chicks in the office?
Doug:
Make me a final offer. $150 with EVERYTHING included.
Joaquin Virgilio:
I am not really sure if we do have available offers for free premium channels, Doug.
Joaquin Virgilio:
But don’t worry, we’ll look into it.
Doug:
Sigh
Joaquin Virgilio:
The answer to your second question: Yes, we do have.
Doug:
oh, nice, makes the day go by fast, right?
Joaquin Virgilio:
I think so, Doug.
Doug:
Send pics?
Joaquin Virgilio:
I apologize, but we’re not allowed to do that Doug.
Doug:
No, right on, but, you know, after hours.
Doug:
$150. EVERYTHING included. Let’s do this deal.
Joaquin Virgilio:
That would put me and my job in trouble.
Doug:
I hear ya.
Doug:
Tell your boss you got a big fish on the line, $150 a month with everything.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Here’s the thing that I can do for you Doug.
Doug:
Here we go.
Joaquin Virgilio:
I can connect you over to our Sales department and they can look for discounts for you to get a cheaper premium channel.
Doug:
What do you mean, on the phone?
Joaquin Virgilio:
We have a chat support for you to contact our Sales department, or you may call them as well at 1-888-266-2278.
Doug:
They’re gonna say the same thing.
Doug:
$185. I may as well just smile and kiss myself in the mirror.
Joaquin Virgilio:
No Doug, they actually have a lot of options available for you/
Doug:
Do you get free service because you work there?
Joaquin Virgilio:
No Doug. We’re being paid because we assist Comcast customers like you.
Doug:
No right, but I mean, do you get free cable at home?
Joaquin Virgilio:
We have a local cable provider here in the Philippines, Doug.
Doug:
Oh, I was going to ask you to maybe put me on your friends and family list, so I could get a nice discount, you could tell them I am your cousin, Doug Monroe Virgilio.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Doug:
Joaquin, you’ve got a friend in ********setts. Will you do me a favor?
Joaquin Virgilio:
Sure, as long as I still keep my job Doug.
Doug:
oh
Doug:
When the day is over, and you’re wondering about your pal Doug in the U.S., feel free to send pics to doug.******@yahoo.com
Doug:
Just don’t let the girls see you takin’ the pictures.
Joaquin Virgilio:
No problem, Doug.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Thank you so much for that information.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Will there be anything else that I can assist a valued customer like you, Doug?
Doug:
Alright, JV, that’s a wrap. This chick at Starbucks is kinda flirting with me.
Doug:
I’ll SP if you send your address.
Joaquin Virgilio:
I am so sorry but we’re not allowed to do that through this chat session, my friend.
Doug:
I hear you, bro. Have a good night. Or morning.
Joaquin Virgilio:
Thank you so much, Doug.
Doug:
Thank you, that was time well spent.
Joaquin Virgilio:
It was a pleasure to have assisted
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