F'ing people, one email at a time
Gravy Ladler (THURSDAY) (Manchester By The $ea)
Aug 6th
I posted the following on C-list and my inbox lit up. Here is a nice email exchange between me and someone that thought she could ladle gravy for $900.
Reply to: gigs-933906 [?]
Date: 2010-8-3, 2:27PM EST
Good Afternoon,
We need someone to stand, silently, next to our carving station and ladle delicious gravy onto sliced roast turkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing, for our guests. You should be well versed in dining etiquette and be able to deliver impeccable pilgrim dialect, as you will be dressed like one. Our guests may say something to you like “Ladle gravy on my meal, you wretch” and your reply would be “The ladle awaits you, my excellence.” Then tip your ridiculous cap with the useless belt buckle on it. After dinner is served and you are done washing the dishes, you will be tipped handsomely to chase imaginary indians off our property.
- Location: Manchester By The $ea
- it’s ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
- Compensation: $900 (FIRM)
I am interested in ladling your gravy.
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Thanks for the quick reply. We have this event each year and it’s always been a great success. Last years Ladler will be overseas during that week which is why we need someone this year. I know it’s short notice, but we have a team of about 14 people that help interract with our guests, and you, or one lucky person, would be the 15th.
What I need from you is a paragraph, maybe 4 lines, of pilgrim dialect, or, something from the time period of the late 1400′s. It doesn’t matter if you repeat the same few lines to our guests all night long, they will be eating and drinking, and you will mostly go unnoticed.
We’re getting a lot of replies flooding our email box, but luckily I’m retired and am just sitting here.
We understand the last part of the evening may cause those that are overly-PC to get upset, but we are beyond wealthy and their concerns are falling on deaf, rich ears.
Would you be willing to carry an unloaded musket?
Please reply with the paragraph of text to be considered.
Thank you for your interest.
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Pray Pardon me Sir?
Gravy on y’er pottage Sir?
How do you fare?
Be’ ware of ye Musket Sir!
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I am prepared to receive overseas funds.
Aug 5th
I have been in contact with legitimate businessmen (and women) from Nigeria. Not to go into details (for my own protection), but they basically want me to provide them with a safe avenue in which to transfer their funds to America. In return, they’ll give me 30% of the funds, but I am hoping to talk them in maybe 32-35%. Updates will follow.
From: Rev. Patrick Eze <rev.patrickez@****.com>
Sent: Mon, August 2, 2010 1:58:43 PM
Subject: This is in acknowledgement to the receipt of your mail, the content well understood and appreciated.Required informations.
(1) Your address for your ATM visa cash card delivery. (FEDEX)
(2) Your cell phone number or any phone to get you.
(3) Scan copy of your ID card or drivers license.
NOTE: FedEx will identify you with your driver’s license or any ID card you send to us. The ATM visa card will be terminating after 5 days without answer of concern from you.
Waiting for your quick reply,
Yours truly,
Rev. Patrick
Intercontinental Bank Plc
Phone
Dear Reverend Patrick,
I write to you in good spirits, for I have finally completed a love song about a woman I have not yet met. This song has taken nearly three years, and were it not for this electronic letter, surely you would see faded rings on paper from my tears of love. I can sense her Patrick, and I believe that she is out there, searching this world for me. Perhaps she writes poems about us, and keeps them locked away in a shoebox scented with a wisp of perfume. I’ve worked on this title for the past two weeks, and I would like your input because I know you to be a lover of women.
“Baby, We Gonna Do It Till I Finish” by DJ Thrustalot
(cue up a house beat Patrick! Boosh! Boosh! Boosh! Boosh!)
A boom-boom-boom!
A bump-bump-bump!
Lookin’ right at your mama’s rump,
In and out, out and in,
gonna give her that medicine.
What’s wrong with you girl?
Is you asleep?
Don’t really matter if I get to keep….goin’!
Till the break of dawn!
Tappin’ that thang like there ain’t no law,
Slappin’ that booty with a meaty paw.
Chewin’ a pillow with all of your might,
Stay hydrated b*tch cuz I got all night,
maybe have a Clif bar or energy drink,
Put tic-tacs up my nose to cover your stink.
(Chorus with piano, smoky vocals by Mary J. Blige)
“Baaaaby….he gonna do it….do it till he finish….
Ohhhh….that’s right…He gonna finish…finish..finish..”
Boom, motherf’er gettin’ ready,
holdin’ it all steady, unleashing all of that trouser broth,
leavin’ her with nothing but a used facecloth.
(End)
If nothing else, Patrick, I leave nothing behind, my emotions, bared for the world to see. And you know what Patrick? It is better to have loved someone without their knowledge than it is to have been formally presented with a restraining order.
Fondness in heart, wisdom behind eyes, and song in voice.
Doug
[?]
F’d of the Day
Aug 5th
I don’t know if this is a set up or what. “Take the groceries, walk towards the refrigerator and get ready for a big surprise. To your face.” Set up or not, this guy gets F’d.
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