F'ing people, one email at a time
F’d of the Day: Fore!
Feb 1st
Happy Tuesday from Fwithpeople.com. We have 9 inches of snow coming down right now, 7 of which we were able to measure personally. Tomorrow we’re getting 15 more inches. What better time to daydream about Golf than when you’re in the midst of Winters 17th snowstorm and won’t see grass for 6-8 weeks? So, we reached out a small club on Martha’s Vineyard called “The Vineyard Club” to inquire about their membership availabilities. Bill Clinton used to play this course around the same time he was pulling a David Copperfield with those cigars. Doug reaches out to them in blue, and they type their shit up in black.
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From Doug:
Hi Eileen,
I am searching for a new club to join and your facility popped up on my radar. The radar seems to be quite full these days! Mergers and Acquisitions and the like. Nonetheless, I am intrigued by the amenities you offer, such as a 27 hole golf course (for me) and a swimming pool, spa, gift shop, bridge club, snack bar and tennis court (for the Mrs.)
Would you be so kind as to send me some membership information? I’m going to narrow it down to our top 3 (my wife has a different location in mind) and I have heard nothing but great things about The Vineyard Club. Ultimately, the decision will be mine, but I do want her to at least believe she has a hand in the process.
Thank you for any information, and have a wonderful afternoon.
Doug Monroe
From Barbara:
Mr. Monroe,
Thank you for your inquiry about membership at Vineyard Golf Club. Proprietary Membership in the Club is an equity membership that will have a total of 305 members. We are in our 9th season and looking forward to this year’s activities throughout the season. We also have what is reputed to be one of the best dining facilities on Martha’s Vineyard. Initiation is presently $350,000 and annual dues are $12,000. We would be pleased to send you our information package if you have further interest.
Sincerely,
Barbara
Vineyard Golf Club
From Doug:
Hi Barbara,
Konnichiwa. It’s almost midnight here in Japan. Finalized a deal today and acquired a small division of Sony, the one that makes the flat panel TV’s. It was easy. You’ve probably heard of “HD” tv’s and “3D” tv’s. Well, I’ve signed a confidentiality agreement so I can’t go into too many details, but the new wave of Television will allow you to do things you never thought imaginable. Think about someone you hate, like LeBron James. He’s on a break-away with 3 seconds left to win the game, and just as he goes up for a dunk, you reach into your TV and catch him in mid-flight. Spectators will look on in horror as your giant hand comes down from the sky and crushes him. It’s a little too early in the development stages to know if we’ll be able to interact with Pay-Per-View channels.
I was under the impression The Vineyard Club was rather exclusive but the membership fee of $350,000 is a little bit on the light side. I spent $1 million to join Augusta, and I saw Larry The Cable Guy doing naked cannonballs into the pond on 16. You know what, though? Go ahead and send along the membership package. It’ll give you something to do while I get ready to speak to the Foreign National Press. How do I look? Just kidding, you can’t see me, but the answer is “awesome.”
Sayonara,
Doug Monroe
CEO and Founder
FWP Television
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(no reply yet)
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F’d of the Day: Classic
Jan 31st
Happy Monday from Fwithpeople.com. The general consensus has been “These guys are getting lazy” because we’ve reposted a couple of our favorite F’d of the Day’s. The fact is, a lot of you don’t stop by here every day, and we know because we trace your IP address. So, what better way to share email joy with you than to repost some of our classics? If you’ve read this one before, hey, take care, we’ll see you tomorrow. If you haven’t read it, you’re welcome. (Click Donate over to the right.) Be the first to donate a dollar and have lunch with Doug! (dutch)
Their ad and emails are in black, Doug does it in blue.
Couples in love (location witheld)
Hello love birds! I am just starting out in photography and need some lovey dovey couples to take photos of. It will be free of charge and compensation will be a CD with 40+ high resolution fully edited photos. So if you are interested in engagement photos or just a fun outting with your love let me know and we can set up a date! All couples from all walks of life are more than welcome!
Thanks and i look forward to working with you!
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From Doug:
Hello,
My wife and I would be interested, she used to do some modeling work. To be honest, it seems like there has to be some catch. So, what is the catch? Will you be using our photos to promote your business? (Which seems legitimate)
Thanks for any information.
Thanks,
Doug
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From Korrie:
Hi, yes I will be putting them in an online portfolio. The main catch is that I have never done this before so you would be helping me get practice in. Sort of a favor exchange I guess 
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I am looking to do mainly outdoor photos in a “candid yet posed” style. Just the two of you having fun, being lovey, and being yourselves. So my number is ***-***-**** call me to set up a time if you are interested. I have Sunday after 2:30 open and anytime between 1 and 5:30 for start times on Monday. If those don’t work for you we can figure something else out!
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From Doug:
hi KB,
The main catch is that you’ve never done couples photos before, or, you’ve never been a photographer before? We have a friend that says anyone can be a photographer, all you need is a camera and an index finger. Like I said, my wife has done modeling and, honestly, could probably give you some genuine pointers. She’s been in front of Leibovitz before, which was a total honor for her (even though Annie exhibited odd behavior around the craft services table.) So, she’s done a bunch of different types of shoots, and I’ve always just watched. We’d like to have someone take our photos just being ourselves, outside on a nice day, or, indoors looking out a window, etc. If you want to erase my face from the online portfolio, I completely understand.
So, we’re in ****** Hills. I’ll speak to my wife about Sunday, maybe around 4pm.
Thanks!
Doug
Thanks!
Doug
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From Korrie:
Well that is impressive she must be pretty hot! Lucky you:o) and if you are married to such a beautiful woman then I doubt I’d need to blur your face! So yeah no photography at all…but I think your friend is wrong, anyone can take a picture but not everyone has an eye for capturing beauty in pure forms. Taking a snap shot of a model will be beautiful because she is beautiful but finding beauty in normal everyday average looking to down right homely people takes a good eye and a kind heart. There is my hippie preaching for the day 
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.If you know any places you want the pictures done I can meet you there. I only know one little part of ******* which is where lake ***** turns into the high road because I used to live up there…but anywhere you want is good. Thanks for helping me out and I look forward to hearing what ol Annie did at the craft service table!
Korrie
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From Doug:
Thank you for saying that about my wife, I do feel very lucky. I’ve heard whispers from people that she’s only with me because of my money, but truth be told, I really don’t have as much as she thinks. Anyway, about Leibovitz. First, not many people know this, but her real name is Ann Jones, she just went with Leibovitz to have a more recognizable name in the industry. Second, she was the utmost professional during the shoot, which is why she’s recognized as one of the best photographers in the world. And while her finished product is second to none (sorry Korrie), I did find it unsettling when just before every shot she would say “1…2…3…cheese!” So, anyway, at the craft services table (one of my favorite places, btw), I’m standing there in front of the smoked salmon, cream cheese and capers, and trying to decide on a bagel. I grab the last ‘everything’ bagel, and Annie comes over and puts her hand on the bagel one second after I did. Now, I’m a southern gentleman, but, a bagel is a bagel like a parking spot is a parking spot . She goes “I’m sorry, I had my eye on this bagel.”
Me: “I love everything bagels, too. Since this one is gone, maybe you’d like to slip into something a little more comfortable, like that Sesame bagel?”
Annie: “I’m sorry. I just finished up a really exhausting shoot. I meant to come over earlier and, you know, set this bagel aside. It’s a process I have. Before the shoot, a glass of grapefruit juice and a cigarette. Then after the shoot, I have an everything bagel, with smoked salmon, lowfat cream cheese, and a light sprinkle of capers.”
Me: “Well, before an exhausting shoot, certainly, I could see how you would want to follow your typical routine. Maybe the juice combined with the cigarette help steady your hand, or, see light a certain way or whatever. I will have to disagree with you on the ‘after’ part, because, at this point, the shoot is over. Your body has no idea what’s coming next, so I mean, you could just have a slice of pizza or maybe a nap. You know?”
Annie: “I’m sorry, who are you?”
Me: “I’m Doug Monroe.”
Annie: “Nice to meet you, Doug. I’m Annie Leibovitz. This (holds out arms and pivots body, looking around.) All of this that you see around you? The staging, the lighting, the camera, the assistants? All of it is mine.”
Me: “Nice to meet you, Annie. I’m Doug Monroe. This? (Holds up bagel) All of this bagel that you see in my hand? The top half, the bottom half, the dried garlic and onion, poppy seeds and sesame seeds? All of it is mine.”
Annie: “You really are a prick.”
Me: “Well, maybe, but I’m a prick with a really good bagel.”
Let’s just say that we don’t exchange Christmas cards, but if you have the chance, I certainly would recommend working with her. I’ll talk to my wife Debbie about a good spot around ******, she’s up there all the time, running the trails with our dog.
Happy Friday,
Doug
(Continued)
From Korrie:
Haha you sound like a big smart ass like myself. I am shy though so I probably would have given her the bagel but I wouldn’t be happy or proud of myself for doing it. It would have fun funny if you licked or took a big bite of it real quick…or said “well seeing that you are just such a big deal I would think you could arrange to make sure you have your very own special everything bagel, I am just Doug and I have to take what I can get so I took this bagel”Well if shes only with you for money shes got a long miserable unloving life ahead of her, but I highly doubt that is the case.
Maybe your dog can be in the pictures too, I looooove dogs. Just an idea )
Talk to you soon.
Korrie
From Doug:
Hi Korrie,
Yeah. She is quite a diva. At the end of the day she goes “I hope you liked your bagel” and I said “I hope your index finger dies in a fire.” I know that sounds awful and I wasn’t serious, but she told us earlier in the day that she has a $1 million insurance policy on it. Her ego was on par with Hasselhoff’s. My wife was in a couple of episodes of Baywatch. Again, I’m at the craft services table, and they had these little bite-size creampuffs that were an absolute delight. So, I’m just standing there, waiting for my wife to be finished, and I’m dunking creampuff after creampuff into the chocolate fountain.
Hasselhoff: (all ego) “If you keep eating those, you’re going to turn INTO a creampuff.” (followed by a phony laugh)
Me: “HAHAHAHAHAHA. That’s not even scientifically possible, Dave.”
Hasselhoff: “Have we met?”
Me: “I think so. You’re the guy that doesn’t know how to properly administer CPR, yet has a television show based on his ability to rescue people. I’m the guy that gets to eat and drink on the set of this trainwreck, which has ‘shockingly’ been omitted from receiving an Emmy nomination for the 4th straight year.”
Hasselhoff: “Awards are nice, but there are only two things you can do with them. Polish them, and split rails of coke on them.”
Me: “How would you know?”
Hasselhoff: “About the polish, or the coke?”
Me: “Neither, how would you know about getting an award?”
I’ll send you a picture of us and our dog. I love that dog more than I love myself. I mean, I wouldn’t donate bone marrow to her, but I like when she does tricks.
Have a nice afternoon.
Doug
(to be continued, I guess)
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F’d of the Day: T-BAB’s
Jan 28th
Thank you for visiting Fwithpeople.com. We took the day off today. Not just from Fwithpeople.com, but also from our regular daytime job. Not that we have to explain ourselves to you. However, when we get a message to the inbox at one of our email addresses, we can’t just sit idly by. We got an email with a picture included from our West Coast connection to our favorite inbox:
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TightlyBoundAwesomeBoobers@fwithpeople.com
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Are they Tight? Yep. Are they Bound? You betcha. Are they Awesome? You tell us. There should be a Holiday for Boobers. Nope, not “Breastivus” because people would think we’re ripping off Seinfeld. How about “Breastoberfest?” Maybe “Boober Luther King Day?” Too sensitive. If you have a suggestion for a Boober Holiday, send your ideas to: booberholiday@fwithpeople.com (The suggestion that makes us “lol” wins a prize.) And speaking of prizes, we’re shipping a shirt to Tommy Barba today. As you probably don’t recall, Tommy won last month’s contest. Tommy also sent in the picture of T-BAB’s, so oddly enough, it’s T-BAB’s from T-BARB’s. We’re not shocked that he sent them in, though, because he’s the only person reading this blog. Fwithpeople.com and Tommy cordially invite you to look at those T-BAB’s. NOW.
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Ka. Boom.
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