F* With People

F’d of the Day: Scamsville, Population: me

Doug — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 16:01:39 +0000

What’s up mof*ckies? Guess who’s been busy on his secret blog? That’s right, your boy Doug. But here we are, on a cold and rainy Saturday morning, so why not F with some Email scammers, right? It just felt like the time was right, but get ready because it’s almost time to provide you the link to the new blog. Pretty exciting, right?

Their email is in black, and Doug types it up in blue. May the F be with you ™

From: Carter, Cllr C <christopher.carter@hants.gov.uk>
Subject: Hello

I am Mrs Maries Etters, a devoted Christian. I have chosen you for an inheritance. Please contact me for more details. Private contact email mrsmariesetters15@hotmail.co.uk mrsmariesetters15@hotmail.co.uk> mrsmaries-etters100@hotmail.co.uk> thank you.

From Doug:

Dear Beloved Maries,

Ohh SO naughty that you are emailing me about an inheritance. ooooooh. I’m reading your email while I’m in the bathtub with my iPad. I usually take one bath, but today I felt like I needed two because I had my yearly physical this morning. The Doctor was very gentle and very thorough. I thought we had finished but then he produced a tube of “Surgical Lubricant”, at which point I was hoping he was going to fix a squeaky door. Nope. He told me that I was going to experience some discomfort and proceeded to check my prostate for lumps. I don’t know if he was unsettled from a bad commute or what, but you would have thought he lost his wedding ring down a drain. Making matters worse, he had fingers like Wilt Chamberlain.

This iPad has been everything I hoped for, although I’m a little disappointed with the Kindle application. I’ve always wanted to read the Harry Potter series, but because I didn’t have the parental guides turn on, I accidentally downloaded “Gary Potter and The Sorcerer of Cock”, which, from what I can tell, is about a bunch of scantilly clad warlocks that slap each others balls for fun. I’m not sure if I’ll read the whole thing, but I believe I am near the climax when Gary finally gets to confront Lord Taint about a mysteriously stinky broomhandle.

Well, that’s it from this side of the pond. Let’s hear a little bit more about that inheritance.

Every Blessing,

Doug

(no reply yet)

F’d of the Day: Matty F.

Doug — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 18:41:06 +0000

Heyoooo! Tuesday, March 1st. Hard to believe. Still surrounded by snowbanks, potholes, and asswipes who every time it rains say “At least it’s not the white stuff!” As you know by now, Doug is teetering on the brink of whether or not to keep Fwithpeople.com in existence. He has been writing a new blog, a secret blog, who’s URL is not www.secretblog.com. Don’t go there. Or, go there and see what a click-farm is. Awesome domain, I wish I thought of it before 3 sentences ago. The new blog is more like, stories, and things that happen to us (or me) every single day. There are also two other writers, each of whom has their own unique perspective on the world around us. If it sounds pretty awesome, it’s because you haven’t been there yet. Maybe you never will go. Certainly, it’s going to be difficult to find unless we supply you with the domain. If you’d like more information about the best new blog nobody knows about, email: comeontellme@fwithpeople.com

In the meantime, some more awesome art that’s for sale if you want it. Seriously, any price, email artauction@fwithpeople.com.

Fwithpeople.com Announcement

Doug — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 14:17:14 +0000

Heyoooo! Thank you for the outpouring of emails and inquiries about Doug’s whereabouts and wellbeing. Oh, god, I just wish I could hug everyone that sent in a “get well” email, and squeeze them so hard their head pops off and I get to drink from their skeleton fountain. You may recall we had a contest to see if someone could name Doug’s wife, who has been not only mentioned in some of Doug’s emails, but she’s also been known to do some of her own F’d of the Day’s. The answer, of course, is Debbie, and the winner, of course, was Tommy Barba. Tommy is a cool cat from North San Diego, which is like San Diego but just a little higher up on the map. So, Tommy wins a shirt, and then, like the vapid hole that has become the posts on this site, he disappears for 2 weeks. Then, out of the blue, boom, my inbox blows up from Tommy, and dude is premiering the Fwithpeople.com shirt. I don’t know why he’s wearing an Eskimo hat when it’s 80 degrees and sunny every day, but this guy pulls off this look. I know it looks like Tommy just stole a drum from someone’s van, but the truth is, he’s in a Drumline. Prediction: Some day, they’ll make a movie about a Drumline, and it will be the tom-tom equivalent to Fox’s “Glee.” Here’s another prediction: Tommy ends up playing in the USC marching band. The football players get first choice with hot chicks, but they can only handle 53, right? Okay, maybe 106. But after that, there are 10,000 other chicks that will settle for the band. “Is that a giant drum around your neck, or are you just happy to see me?” No, that’s stupid. But here’s a line I might use if I was Tommy with that drum: “Hi, will you help me load this drum into my van that has no windows?” Tommy’s not going to need lines. He’s got the shirt. He’s got the drum. He’s probably got a giant right biceps from beating it all day. The drum. He’s surrounded by sunshine and coeds. If you’d like to hire Tommy to pound the drum all day for your sceance or at your next Mayan Ritual, drop us a line and we’ll put you in touch. We look forward to showing up at Tommy’s dorm, unannounced.

F’d of the Day: Greener Pastures

Doug — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 13:32:10 +0000

Well, things may be winding down here at Fwithpeople.com in the very near future. There’s an exciting opportunity to become a writer for a much larger blog that needs some life breathed into it. You may have heard of Perez Hilton by now? That’s not the one I’m interviewing for. In fact, I don’t go on Perez from work because anyone walking by can see my screen, and there is no mistaking a background that’s the color of cock. Wish me luck on my interview by emailing: nochance@fwithpeople.com

Due to time constraints, we give you a CLASSIC F’d of the Day today:

Good Morning from Fwithpeople.com. The Holidays are fast approaching and it’s that time of year to celebrate Santa, alcohol, and opening presents. Speaking of opening presents, whether you’re at your office Christmas party, or shopping at the mall, always be on the lookout for boobers wrapped in tightly knit sweaters. Send pics to tightlyboundawesomeboobers@fwithpeople.com. In other news, we’re happy to announce we’re approaching 100 posts with little to no readership. Sure, some of them may be considered duds, but that 100th post is going to be a doozie. Doug fired up a chat with C*mcast, the worlds leading and only cable service provider. Their representative types in black, and Doug types it up in blue. May the F be with you ™

Doug > I have questions about television.

Jonnifer > Hello Doug_, Thank you for contacting C*mcast Live Chat Support. My name is Jonnifer. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Doug_ > Hi Jennifer, how are you today?

Jonnifer > A pleasant day to you! We appreciate the time you are taking to contact us. I will be assisting you from here on out. Before anything else, how is your day so far?

Jonnifer > I’m just peachy Doug. Thank you.

Jonnifer > How about yours?

Doug_ > Really good!

Doug_ > Peachy?! Haha!

Jonnifer > Awesome! Glad to hear that Doug.

Doug_ > I believe it’s spelled J-e-n-n-i-f-e-r.

Jonnifer > Thank you, but my name has an o. How can I help you today?

Doug_ > I have a couple of questions, and both of them are fairly serious.

Jonnifer > Sure, go ahead. I will do my best to answer them for you.

Doug_ > Well, first, my wife Debbie is here, sitting next to me, as always, and she says “hi.”

Jonnifer > Hello there Debbie.

Doug_ > From Debbie: “Hi Jonnifer”

Jonnifer > And how are you today?

Doug_ > From Debbie: “I’m doing really good, thank you. How are you?”

Jonnifer > I’m great, thank you.

Doug_ > Alright, enough, before this thing turns into a hen coop.

Doug_ > The reason why she’s sitting next to me is because we vehemently disagree on something and need a third party from C*mcast, in this case, you, to confirm one way or another. This could literally be life or death. Let me know when you’re ready.

(slight delay)…Jonnifer > I’m ready.

Doug_ > It looks like you might be helping other customers, so we will wait. Thank you!

Jonnifer > No worries Doug, I’m ready when you are.

Jonnifer > That’s very thoughtful of you. Thanks.

Doug_ > Okay. We’ve been watching the show “The Walking Dead” on AMC. Now, I say that this show is made up of actors, and stuntmen, and people with a lot of make-up on to look like Zombies, and they’re all following a script. Debbie thinks this is a reality show, and that Zombies have really taken over Atlanta, feeding on humans, and are spreading north. Can you confirm or deny that this show is make-believe?

Jonnifer > That’s a good question Doug.

Doug_ > It’s just a show, right?

Jonnifer > The program “The Walking Dead” is a new series. It’s actually really cool if you get to watch it. I thought of it as a movie when I first saw the ads. If I’m not mistaken, this was premiered last November in time for Halloween.

Doug_ > So this confirms that it is just a show. Debbie was up all night packing some of her belongings and was thinking about going north to Canada. She thought the Zombies wouldn’t be able to cross the border without passports.

Jonnifer > Well, you could not be more careful nowadays Doug. But thank you for taking the time to chat in with this concern. I hope we were able to clear that one out.

Doug_ > I do have one more question.

Doug_ > Is it okay if I ask?

Doug_ > (That’s not the question)

Jonnifer > Sure thing. Fire ahead.

Doug_ > A friend of mine called and told me that WikiLeaks was going to release information about Pay-Per-View movies I may or may not have rented.

Doug_ > They don’t have access to that, right?

Jonnifer > The movies that you rent and any information for that matter Doug, is held with utmost confidentiality between you and the Cable provider. This information is not shared publicly.

Doug_ > Good. So, not even you can see them?

Jonnifer > If it is recorded in our system Doug, an analyst will be able to see them if you request for the information.

Doug_ > Oh. OH. Well, don’t go looking, I was just curious. Just as long as WikiLeaks doesn’t have access, there’s nothing to worry about. I would like to recommend the process be a little more difficult when ordering a pay-per-view movie, because I accidentally hit “enter”, and then “order” and then “buy now” for something called “The Milftrix” which I did not watch, in it’s entirety.

Jonnifer > Sure thing Doug. Thank you for the suggestion.

Jonnifer > I really enjoyed chatting with you Doug. I hope I was able to help you with your concerns and answer your questions today.

Doug_ > Before we leave, do you have any questions for Debbie and I?

Jonnifer > I’m good Doug.

Jonnifer > I wish the both of you Happy Holidays.

Doug_ > Thank you. You were very good.

Jonnifer > Thank you so much. I appreciate the compliment Doug.

(The End)

Starring:

Doug as himself

Jonnifer as herself

F’d of the Day: Sammy

Doug — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 15:15:11 +0000

Heyooo! It’s Tuesday here at Fwithpeople.com Headquarters. We’ve got some great F’d of the Day material coming up, however, we do not want to deny our readers the majestic art that Doug creates. As you know, art comes in many forms. Paint. Drawing. Sculpting stuff with clay. Fashion. Porn. Food. Singing. Carpentry. Etc. Today’s Art comes with a caption, and that caption is: “Awkward Moments with the Rat Pack.”

If you’d like to submit your own Caption, send it to: artauction@fwithpeople.com

Also, include a modest bid for your chance to win this one of a kind original.

“Awkward Moments With The Rat Pack”

(click to enlarge, then click again to really enlarge)

Moment of Silence for Kim Kardashian Commercial

Doug — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 14:35:31 +0000

Okay, thank you. Wow. Those were T-BAB’s. Someone capture and send a picture of them to: tightlyboundawesomeboobers@fwithpeople.com

In the meantime, we’re getting truckloads of feedback about our Original Art, so here’s another one for you. Want to buy it? Sure! Send your bid to: artauction@fwithpeople.com

(Bidding starts at $5. Bidding stops when bids no longer come in.)

(Click to Enlarge)

Fwithpeople.com Original Art

Doug — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 14:54:38 +0000

Happy Friday from Fwithpeople.com. Doug has been known to dabble in the Arts. He’s what those in Show Business call a “Quintuple Threat.” He can write (obviously), he can draw (as you’ll see), he can dance (using Xbox Kinect’s “Dance Central”), he’s athletic (well, golf) and he can make the love. In High School, Doug was voted “Most Likely to Penetrate You.” If you’d like to be removed from Doug’s Penet-Radar, please unsubscribe by sending an email to: donotpenetrate@fwithpeople.com

By taking no action, you hereby consider yourself Open Season, and you had better be good at sprinting. Now, Doug’s second passion is drawing, and there is a buzz in the industry regarding some original pieces he’s recently unveiled. For the first time ever, you are getting a glimpse into the magic that Doug creates using nothing more than a #2 pencil and a piece of paper. This original art is up for auction, and we’ll start the bidding at $5. If you would like to bid on this one of a kind piece, please email your bid to: artauction@fwithpeople.com

Proceeds from the sale of this artwork will go to Doug Monroe. Auction closes today at 3pm, EST. The highest bidder will receive the original, signed by the artist. This piece won’t last long, certainly not past 3pm.

F’d of the Day: Mmm-mm, good.

Doug — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 13:58:34 +0000

Heyooo! Happy Thursday from Fwithpeople.com. It’s hard to describe the feeling we get when we have a good F’d of the Day prepared for you. Remember the time your Dad took the training wheels off your bike, and you went for your first true bike ride? Or how about the first time you made love to a gym sock? Either way, Debbie Monroe sets out to bang someone up on the West Coast, and this is their story. Their ad and emails are in black, and Debbie types it up in blue. May the F be with you. ™

Patio Umbrella (Palm Springs Area)

Our beautiful Umbrella broke in this last wind storm. Looking for old just pole or full umbrella . Please call Julie at (909) 555-**** or email back. Thanks!

From Debbie:

Hi!

Those windstorms can certainly cause some damage. You probably found your umbrella or pole by now, but if not, let me know. I have a few, and maybe there’s one you might like.

Thanks,
Debbie

From Julie:

Yes we did find the umbrella and pole clear over the house across the street but it is all bent up. Yes I would love one of your umbrellas or pole Where are you? We are in Palm Springs. Thanks!! Julie

From Debbie:

Wow! Are you serious?! I’m glad you didn’t impale your Postal carrier! omfg.

We’re in Palm Springs just off East Ramon.

What color are you looking for?
Thanks!
Debbie

From Julie:

Haha, yeah it flew over the house. Something out of Mary Poppins! So glad no body was hurt.

From Debbie:

How come wind doesn’t carry things away from our backyard that we no longer need, like old paint cans, dog poopers, or car batteries?!

So glad everyone is safe. That’s good. What color were you interested in, or is it my choice?
Debbie

From Julie:

Haha, The umbrella we have is new just the pole broke so Im not sure it I can slip my tan umbrella on a different pole? If not I guess a whole umbrella in Tan color or what ever?

From Debbie:

Well, keep in mind that if you take a new pole, you’re going to have to remove the umbrella part off the damaged pole, then attach it to the new pole, and hope it’s all one universal size (which, as you know, is not the case.) Based on your description, I don’t have “tan”, but the labels on the inside of the cloth for these say “pecan sandie” (so it’s the color of the crisp cookie delight) and “walnutto” (which is like a darker yet lighter tan) and “putty” (this one is closest to tan without saying tan.)

Debbie

From Julie:

All sounds great!!!! How much do you want? Thanks so much!!!!!

From Debbie:

Prices may vary! We have everything for your outdoor needs, umbrellas, patio furniture, grills, lighting fixtures, mosquito magnets, propane tanks, bocce sets, adirondack chairs, awnings, and hot tubs. There is simply too much to list here. But wait, there’s more! We’ve got hammocks, space heaters, picnic tables, garden equipment, tiki torches, and deck tiles. That should be all, right? Nope! We have bar seating, lawn ornaments, sod, portable coolers, bug repellent, flower boxes, seeds, garden hoses, etc. The list goes on and on! All you have to do is come on down to Home Depot! We’re located at 5200 E. Ramon Road. You can’t miss us or our Sale this Saturday! Come into the Garden Center and ask for Loco Debbie!

Thanks,

From Julie:

Pretty cheap trick! From now on I will alway’s go to Lowes!!!

From Debbie:

Don’t hate the Home and Garden Center Player, hate the Home and Garden Center Game.

Loco Debbie

p.s. I’m embarrassed for how you spelled “always.”

(no reply)

F’d of the Day: Psych

Doug — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 19:57:54 +0000

It’s not happening today.

F’d of the Day: Fore!

Doug — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 20:04:45 +0000

Happy Tuesday from Fwithpeople.com. We have 9 inches of snow coming down right now, 7 of which we were able to measure personally. Tomorrow we’re getting 15 more inches. What better time to daydream about Golf than when you’re in the midst of Winters 17th snowstorm and won’t see grass for 6-8 weeks? So, we reached out a small club on Martha’s Vineyard called “The Vineyard Club” to inquire about their membership availabilities. Bill Clinton used to play this course around the same time he was pulling a David Copperfield with those cigars. Doug reaches out to them in blue, and they type their shit up in black.

From Doug:

Hi Eileen,

I am searching for a new club to join and your facility popped up on my radar. The radar seems to be quite full these days! Mergers and Acquisitions and the like. Nonetheless, I am intrigued by the amenities you offer, such as a 27 hole golf course (for me) and a swimming pool, spa, gift shop, bridge club, snack bar and tennis court (for the Mrs.)

Would you be so kind as to send me some membership information? I’m going to narrow it down to our top 3 (my wife has a different location in mind) and I have heard nothing but great things about The Vineyard Club. Ultimately, the decision will be mine, but I do want her to at least believe she has a hand in the process.

Thank you for any information, and have a wonderful afternoon.
Doug Monroe

From Barbara:

Mr. Monroe,

Thank you for your inquiry about membership at Vineyard Golf Club. Proprietary Membership in the Club is an equity membership that will have a total of 305 members. We are in our 9^th season and looking forward to this year’s activities throughout the season. We also have what is reputed to be one of the best dining facilities on Martha’s Vineyard. Initiation is presently $350,000 and annual dues are $12,000. We would be pleased to send you our information package if you have further interest.

Sincerely,

Barbara

Vineyard Golf Club

From Doug:

Hi Barbara,

Konnichiwa. It’s almost midnight here in Japan. Finalized a deal today and acquired a small division of Sony, the one that makes the flat panel TV’s. It was easy. You’ve probably heard of “HD” tv’s and “3D” tv’s. Well, I’ve signed a confidentiality agreement so I can’t go into too many details, but the new wave of Television will allow you to do things you never thought imaginable. Think about someone you hate, like LeBron James. He’s on a break-away with 3 seconds left to win the game, and just as he goes up for a dunk, you reach into your TV and catch him in mid-flight. Spectators will look on in horror as your giant hand comes down from the sky and crushes him. It’s a little too early in the development stages to know if we’ll be able to interact with Pay-Per-View channels.

I was under the impression The Vineyard Club was rather exclusive but the membership fee of $350,000 is a little bit on the light side. I spent $1 million to join Augusta, and I saw Larry The Cable Guy doing naked cannonballs into the pond on 16. You know what, though? Go ahead and send along the membership package. It’ll give you something to do while I get ready to speak to the Foreign National Press. How do I look? Just kidding, you can’t see me, but the answer is “awesome.”

Sayonara,

Doug Monroe

CEO and Founder

FWP Television

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