F'ing people, one email at a time
F’d of the Day
F’d of the Day
F’d of the Day: Scamsville, Population: me
Mar 5th
What’s up mof*ckies? Guess who’s been busy on his secret blog? That’s right, your boy Doug. But here we are, on a cold and rainy Saturday morning, so why not F with some Email scammers, right? It just felt like the time was right, but get ready because it’s almost time to provide you the link to the new blog. Pretty exciting, right?
Their email is in black, and Doug types it up in blue. May the F be with you ™
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From: Carter, Cllr C <christopher.carter@hants.gov.uk>
Subject: Hello
I am Mrs Maries Etters, a devoted Christian. I have chosen you for an inheritance. Please contact me for more details. Private contact email mrsmariesetters15@hotmail.co.ukmrsmariesetters15@hotmail.co.uk> <mailto:mrsmaries-etters100@hotmail.co.uk> thank you.
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From Doug:
Dear Beloved Maries,
Ohh SO naughty that you are emailing me about an inheritance. ooooooh. I’m reading your email while I’m in the bathtub with my iPad. I usually take one bath, but today I felt like I needed two because I had my yearly physical this morning. The Doctor was very gentle and very thorough. I thought we had finished but then he produced a tube of “Surgical Lubricant”, at which point I was hoping he was going to fix a squeaky door. Nope. He told me that I was going to experience some discomfort and proceeded to check my prostate for lumps. I don’t know if he was unsettled from a bad commute or what, but you would have thought he lost his wedding ring down a drain. Making matters worse, he had fingers like Wilt Chamberlain.
This iPad has been everything I hoped for, although I’m a little disappointed with the Kindle application. I’ve always wanted to read the Harry Potter series, but because I didn’t have the parental guides turn on, I accidentally downloaded “Gary Potter and The Sorcerer of Cock”, which, from what I can tell, is about a bunch of scantilly clad warlocks that slap each others balls for fun. I’m not sure if I’ll read the whole thing, but I believe I am near the climax when Gary finally gets to confront Lord Taint about a mysteriously stinky broomhandle.
Well, that’s it from this side of the pond. Let’s hear a little bit more about that inheritance.
Every Blessing,
Doug
(no reply yet)
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F’d of the Day: Matty F.
Mar 1st
Heyoooo! Tuesday, March 1st. Hard to believe. Still surrounded by snowbanks, potholes, and asswipes who every time it rains say “At least it’s not the white stuff!” As you know by now, Doug is teetering on the brink of whether or not to keep Fwithpeople.com in existence. He has been writing a new blog, a secret blog, who’s URL is not www.secretblog.com. Don’t go there. Or, go there and see what a click-farm is. Awesome domain, I wish I thought of it before 3 sentences ago. The new blog is more like, stories, and things that happen to us (or me) every single day. There are also two other writers, each of whom has their own unique perspective on the world around us. If it sounds pretty awesome, it’s because you haven’t been there yet. Maybe you never will go. Certainly, it’s going to be difficult to find unless we supply you with the domain. If you’d like more information about the best new blog nobody knows about, email: comeontellme@fwithpeople.com
In the meantime, some more awesome art that’s for sale if you want it. Seriously, any price, email artauction@fwithpeople.com.
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Fwithpeople.com Announcement
Feb 24th
Heyoooo! Thank you for the outpouring of emails and inquiries about Doug’s whereabouts and wellbeing. Oh, god, I just wish I could hug everyone that sent in a “get well” email, and squeeze them so hard their head pops off and I get to drink from their skeleton fountain. You may recall we had a contest to see if someone could name Doug’s wife, who has been not only mentioned in some of Doug’s emails, but she’s also been known to do some of her own F’d of the Day’s. The answer, of course, is Debbie, and the winner, of course, was Tommy Barba. Tommy is a cool cat from North San Diego, which is like San Diego but just a little higher up on the map. So, Tommy wins a shirt, and then, like the vapid hole that has become the posts on this site, he disappears for 2 weeks. Then, out of the blue, boom, my inbox blows up from Tommy, and dude is premiering the Fwithpeople.com shirt. I don’t know why he’s wearing an Eskimo hat when it’s 80 degrees and sunny every day, but this guy pulls off this look. I know it looks like Tommy just stole a drum from someone’s van, but the truth is, he’s in a Drumline. Prediction: Some day, they’ll make a movie about a Drumline, and it will be the tom-tom equivalent to Fox’s “Glee.” Here’s another prediction: Tommy ends up playing in the USC marching band. The football players get first choice with hot chicks, but they can only handle 53, right? Okay, maybe 106. But after that, there are 10,000 other chicks that will settle for the band. “Is that a giant drum around your neck, or are you just happy to see me?” No, that’s stupid. But here’s a line I might use if I was Tommy with that drum: “Hi, will you help me load this drum into my van that has no windows?” Tommy’s not going to need lines. He’s got the shirt. He’s got the drum. He’s probably got a giant right biceps from beating it all day. The drum. He’s surrounded by sunshine and coeds. If you’d like to hire Tommy to pound the drum all day for your sceance or at your next Mayan Ritual, drop us a line and we’ll put you in touch. We look forward to showing up at Tommy’s dorm, unannounced.
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F’d of the Day: Greener Pastures
Feb 11th
Well, things may be winding down here at Fwithpeople.com in the very near future. There’s an exciting opportunity to become a writer for a much larger blog that needs some life breathed into it. You may have heard of Perez Hilton by now? That’s not the one I’m interviewing for. In fact, I don’t go on Perez from work because anyone walking by can see my screen, and there is no mistaking a background that’s the color of cock. Wish me luck on my interview by emailing: nochance@fwithpeople.com
Due to time constraints, we give you a CLASSIC F’d of the Day today:
Good Morning from Fwithpeople.com. The Holidays are fast approaching and it’s that time of year to celebrate Santa, alcohol, and opening presents. Speaking of opening presents, whether you’re at your office Christmas party, or shopping at the mall, always be on the lookout for boobers wrapped in tightly knit sweaters. Send pics to tightlyboundawesomeboobers@fwithpeople.com. In other news, we’re happy to announce we’re approaching 100 posts with little to no readership. Sure, some of them may be considered duds, but that 100th post is going to be a doozie. Doug fired up a chat with C*mcast, the worlds leading and only cable service provider. Their representative types in black, and Doug types it up in blue. May the F be with you ™
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Doug > I have questions about television.
Jonnifer > Hello Doug_, Thank you for contacting C*mcast Live Chat Support. My name is Jonnifer. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Doug_ > Hi Jennifer, how are you today?
Jonnifer > A pleasant day to you! We appreciate the time you are taking to contact us. I will be assisting you from here on out. Before anything else, how is your day so far?
Jonnifer > I’m just peachy Doug. Thank you.
Jonnifer > How about yours?
Doug_ > Really good!
Doug_ > Peachy?! Haha!
Jonnifer > Awesome! Glad to hear that Doug.
Doug_ > I believe it’s spelled J-e-n-n-i-f-e-r.
Jonnifer > Thank you, but my name has an o. How can I help you today?
Doug_ > I have a couple of questions, and both of them are fairly serious.
Jonnifer > Sure, go ahead. I will do my best to answer them for you.
Doug_ > Well, first, my wife Debbie is here, sitting next to me, as always, and she says “hi.”
Jonnifer > Hello there Debbie.
Doug_ > From Debbie: “Hi Jonnifer”
Jonnifer > And how are you today?
Doug_ > From Debbie: “I’m doing really good, thank you. How are you?”
Jonnifer > I’m great, thank you.
Doug_ > Alright, enough, before this thing turns into a hen coop.
Doug_ > The reason why she’s sitting next to me is because we vehemently disagree on something and need a third party from C*mcast, in this case, you, to confirm one way or another. This could literally be life or death. Let me know when you’re ready.
(slight delay)…Jonnifer > I’m ready.
Doug_ > It looks like you might be helping other customers, so we will wait. Thank you!
Jonnifer > No worries Doug, I’m ready when you are.
Jonnifer > That’s very thoughtful of you. Thanks.
Doug_ > Okay. We’ve been watching the show “The Walking Dead” on AMC. Now, I say that this show is made up of actors, and stuntmen, and people with a lot of make-up on to look like Zombies, and they’re all following a script. Debbie thinks this is a reality show, and that Zombies have really taken over Atlanta, feeding on humans, and are spreading north. Can you confirm or deny that this show is make-believe?
Jonnifer > That’s a good question Doug.
Doug_ > It’s just a show, right?
Jonnifer > The program “The Walking Dead” is a new series. It’s actually really cool if you get to watch it. I thought of it as a movie when I first saw the ads. If I’m not mistaken, this was premiered last November in time for Halloween.
Doug_ > So this confirms that it is just a show. Debbie was up all night packing some of her belongings and was thinking about going north to Canada. She thought the Zombies wouldn’t be able to cross the border without passports.
Jonnifer > Well, you could not be more careful nowadays Doug. But thank you for taking the time to chat in with this concern. I hope we were able to clear that one out.
Doug_ > I do have one more question.
Doug_ > Is it okay if I ask?
Doug_ > (That’s not the question)
Jonnifer > Sure thing. Fire ahead.
Doug_ > A friend of mine called and told me that WikiLeaks was going to release information about Pay-Per-View movies I may or may not have rented.
Doug_ > They don’t have access to that, right?
Jonnifer > The movies that you rent and any information for that matter Doug, is held with utmost confidentiality between you and the Cable provider. This information is not shared publicly.
Doug_ > Good. So, not even you can see them?
Jonnifer > If it is recorded in our system Doug, an analyst will be able to see them if you request for the information.
Doug_ > Oh. OH. Well, don’t go looking, I was just curious. Just as long as WikiLeaks doesn’t have access, there’s nothing to worry about. I would like to recommend the process be a little more difficult when ordering a pay-per-view movie, because I accidentally hit “enter”, and then “order” and then “buy now” for something called “The Milftrix” which I did not watch, in it’s entirety.
Jonnifer > Sure thing Doug. Thank you for the suggestion.
Jonnifer > I really enjoyed chatting with you Doug. I hope I was able to help you with your concerns and answer your questions today.
Doug_ > Before we leave, do you have any questions for Debbie and I?
Jonnifer > I’m good Doug.
Jonnifer > I wish the both of you Happy Holidays.
Doug_ > Thank you. You were very good.
Jonnifer > Thank you so much. I appreciate the compliment Doug.
(The End)
Starring:
Doug as himself
Jonnifer as herself
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